Monday, 20 November 2017

Waiting on a friend. . .

A smile relieves a heart that grieves. . . 

If you're a person that doesn't smile often, you should probably start trying to do more of it.
There is a tendency to believe that we need to carry the weight of the world on our shoulders and we pressure ourselves into doing so many things that steal our time and attention from enjoying things and people in life.  I'm not saying that we should shirk our responsibilities, but we need to remember what our divine purpose is, what we expect to do with the time that we have and prioritise this above all else.  You may be grieving for things and people that can no longer be, can never be, can't even begin to hope to be.  Through all of the trials and tribulations that you might be facing in life, I have found that smiling about the things and people that you do have in your life, is a surefire way to diminish and minimise those negative thoughts.  It may take you a lot of practice to get that right, but in time, with enough patience and practice, it will be easier to get done, rather than said not done.

Watching girls go passing by it ain't the latest thing
I'm just standing in a doorway
I'm just trying to make some sense
Out of these girls passing by, the tales they tell of men
I'm not waiting on a lady, I'm just waiting for a friend, mm

I've written before about being a people watcher.
I watch people often in conversations or at places that I am expected to be in, to be a voice for whatever needs to be said or a presence that must be felt.  It can be particularly draining to have to be that, but if you are required to do so, then I choose to look at it in a different way so that I learn something from it, rather than resist it.  Depending on what sex you are attracted to, you normally observe and subsequently judge people on what they look like, their outward appearance, their demeanour and how they carry themselves.  You might watch for specific things that pique your curiosity and take your attention.  There is the obvious of whether they meet your physical demands for aesthetic beauty and whether you will continue to watch them and observe them because of this.  I have found it's more about what comes out of that person, the way they speak, what they say, whether those words are followed through with actions that have meaning for people or the world around them that is more important.  This is what I think my life has become these days - making sense of what people are trying to tell me, trying to get me to fix, trying to get me to do to make their life better.

A smile relieves a heart that grieves, remember what I said
I'm not waiting on a lady, I'm just waiting on a friend
I'm just waiting on a friend, just waiting on a friend
I'm just waiting on a friend, I'm just waiting on a friend
Just waiting on a friend

If I'm not waiting on a lady, I'm not waiting on a man, I'm not sure what I'm meant to be waiting for.
There are people who will say that they are your friends but they will continually do things that are not in alignment with what they say.  This could continue to be a problem for you if they are the source of grief that continues to visit your door.  You might find that their smile doesn't relieve your grieving heart anymore, but rather it has become that source of grief.  So what do you do to find relief from that grief?  You might be compelled to cut them off or have them out of your life for a bit until you can make sense of your own life.  There will be friends that you don't normally see for ages, but when you do, it is like time hasn't passed and you can pick up where you left off from the last time you saw them.  For me, that's the litmus test of friendship.  That is how you decide that those people are worth keeping - that they know what it means to be a real friend, a true friend.

Don't need a whore, don't need no booze, don't need a virgin priest
But I need someone I can cry to
I need someone to protect
Ooh making love and breaking hearts, it is a game for youth
But I'm not waiting on a friend 
I'm just waiting on a friend, just waiting on a friend
I'm just waiting on a friend, just waiting on a friend

I've been trying to finish writing this blog post all day but have been distracted by other things (and people).  It's quite typical of what life is usually like for me.  There have been other conversations I've had with people that I normally don't talk to because circumstances and situations just allowed for these random and chance happenings to occur - and those are the best gems of conversations that are not only unexpected but quite fulfilling.

I hope that you have someone that you can cry to when you need to.
You might think that you don't want to be a burden to someone and not tell them what's really going on in your life.  You might not necessarily trust them perhaps, especially if they have a bad track record of keeping secrets, or they burden you with keeping more of theirs than you are willing to allow (or condone).  You might not necessarily trust yourself either, if you have been burned quite a few times and are unsure about whether it is worth opening up to anybody again and just keep things to yourself until someone is able to reciprocate with you, to find someone or allow someone to find you that enables this to happen.  I guess all you can do is just be patient and not rush things aye.  All you need to do is focus on what you need to do in the meantime while you're waiting on a friend. . . 

Sunday, 19 November 2017

Many's the time (In Dublin). . .

I was only trying too hard. . . 

Many's the time I'd do anything just to belong
Many's the time what I did I would feel to be wrong
(I was only trying too hard)
Just to belong
(I was only trying too hard)

I'm not too familiar with this song.
I've listened to it a couple of times over the past couple of months and weighed up whether I should write about it or not.  It reminds of situations you find yourself in life, where you're unsure whether to say something or not, to express any feelings or not.  What do you say when you're unsure about whether it will be accepted by people who ask you questions, but aren't really prepared for what you have to say anyway?  What would you do in order to belong?  We will come across quite a few situations and contexts in life where we are expected to conform and show that we are able to socialise enough to belong, to understand the rules and codes of conduct so that we participate in the social order of things, and understand the rules of engagement.

The wind pulled the water
Bonfire burning high
You took me in your arms
And told me I could cry
I didn't want to hurt you
I felt something was wrong
I didn't mean to want you
Just to belong

When you come across people and create memories with them, you might not be aware if there will be a shelf life or not.  Things that you counted on that would last forever, don't.  Things that you counted on being fleeting, last longer than expected.  You can never truly predict what will happen and it all depends on the tiny choices that you made that lead to these becoming tiny milestones.  When you are comforted by people and then turn around and hurt them - what is the motivation behind that?  I've been thinking about the many times that people have been open to me in recent weeks and shared about their private pain or public pride and to be honest, it isn't really clear whether there is a distinct difference between both at all.

First we got turned away
Then we got welcomed in
(First we got turned away
Then we got welcomed in)
I was only trying too hard
A place to begin
I was only trying too hard

Sometimes in life, we never really know whether we are coming or going.
If you are able to train yourself to step back from situations and learn how to "be" in the world, it's much better for you.  It may take a while to figure this out.  When we try to belong to something that is usually considered outside of our "normal" but mostly natural surroundings, the people we are tasked with expecting acceptance from, can choose to turn us away or welcome us in.  It could be soon resemble some kind of awkward tennis rally, where a flow or exchange isn't as smooth as it could be, until you get into some kind of groove that ultimately leads to you winning some straight sets (or unexpected wins like the Tongan and Fijian rugby league teams who have both beaten the Kiwi team and knocked them out of contention in the current Rugby League World Cup). 

We drove past the nightclub 
In a beaten up old car 
The man on the door said
"Do we know who you are?"
They gave us fruit cocktails
That we didn't want to drink
Techno music coming through
I started to think
Where are the people that we welcomed in
Where is the place, the place to begin
There's got to be someone, tt's got to be now 

People will often question who you are and whether you are someone worth knowing.
You just need to show people what you're made of, that you are made of stronger mettle than they think you have.  If you are from an ethnic minority like I am, it's something that you live with.  Like some disease that people from ethnic majorities don't actually see because they don't have the eyes to see that you work twice as hard, if not more, to excel not only in their world, but your own.  I think this is probably why I welcome people as much as I can in conversations that I have with others.  I think this is also why I try to include people in a dance circle if I happen to be dancing.  There's nothing worse than seeing someone feel like they don't belong.  Because I know what it feels like when people deliberately try to make you feel like you don't.

I made it my purpose
I made it my plan
The rulers of the world
Would never understand
That you are my dancing queen
I wanna hear you sing
The day that you do
I'll be your dancing king

If there are dancing kings out there that want me to be their dancing queen, hey, I won't say no to a dance.  There's nothing wrong with dancing. I just don't want people sidelining others from participating, or criticising others for how they dance (like how people used to make fun of Lorde or the late great Michael Jackson when they danced because they let their bodies flow to express their music).  What is your purpose?  What is your plan? I've been listening to friends, family and strangers talk about plans that they think they can no longer execute or lament that they need to change.  Don't give up.  There are things that you can do to make your dreams come true.  A friend said to me only a few hours ago that her dream was over.  No, I told her.  You can always begin again, you can always dream a new dream.  Remember, there is no limit to the amount of dreams that we have.

And if my words were stars
I'd send you a skyful
It felt so good
It felt so easy
It felt so good
It felt so easy

I hope that if anything as you continue to read my blog posts, that there are some gems or nuggets in there that you think will be of use to you.  They are usually words that come from my heart and my mind in a one free flowing breath that doesn't end until I add the final full stop to the final paragraph.  I sometimes think this is how I would like to live my life - but know that it isn't possible, and it isn't necessarily a bad thing.  There are some aspects that flow easily and other aspects that make you think you need to scan back over what you wrote and add some punctuation (like this sentence I've just written ha!).  I hope that you learn to send yourself a skyful of stars so that you understand and learn to create dreams that continue to light your path so that you learn to live your destiny.  You don't need to think that you only have one shot at this. but that you have many's the time. . . 

Saturday, 18 November 2017

The Root. . .

What's wrong with the truth?. . . .

You can dig all day and never find the root
You're gonna get dirty child digging for the root
If you're looking for an answer what's wrong with the truth?
Keep digging child, looking for the root

Have you spent enough time getting to the bottom of the issues you face?
Sometimes you're not sure whether what you are being tasked with facing is something that you've created inadvertently, something you have to clean up or something that has crossed your path because you haven't dealt with it effectively in the past.  If you find it hard to find the root, it may be because people are deliberately withholding information, blocking the truth from reaching you or trying to protect themselves in the process. If people continue to do this to you, why do you continue to hang around?  Do you not have a choice in what's happening in your life?  Maybe you do, maybe you don't.  Whatever reasons you have chosen to stick to whatever brand of truth that you have allowed in your life, sit back for a minute and consider long and hard whether this is how you want to live your life.

Look for love
It must be love
Look for love
It must be love

What are you looking for?
You might get distracted looking for the wrong things in life,  the wrong types of love.
What you might think is beautiful and pure, is in fact tainted with things that you have yet to see in its authentic form.  We can never really see what is in front of us unless we are taught to see things as they are, what they represent and the effects that they have.  I have learned to avoid putting myself in situations where I thought love lived.  I have become more discerning about the right places that love lives in and I guess this is why people ask me about where to find love for themselves.  I can tell you, it can be pretty draining trying to explain to others why they persist and continue to chase ideals that are not even part of their destiny.  They might be confused about what real love is.  All they need to remember is that if they are being disrespected, abused and treated in ways that they don't like to be treated - then they have their answer.  Asking for my opinion doesn't change the actions of who is doing all the damage.  Not my circus, not my monkeys.

To be born is original

Original is a sin
And noone who can fix it 
Is forgiveness in the end

No matter what happens in our lives, we must at least try to prepare for outcomes that we want.
I don't know how responsible we should feel at the end of the day - for actions that people take.  I don't know how responsible we should feel for solving problems that are not of our making.  I long for days that bring peace and joy.  We cannot rely on others to do this for us, and if we do, we are sorely mistaken and deluded.  I think it's important for us to look inside ourselves to check that we are in perfect working order for ourselves, that we know what needs to be done for ourselves before we can help others.  If you are the type of person that continually drops everything to help others, friends and family out of a strong sense of loyalty - have a think about whether there is reciprocity in that space. If there isn't, then do yourself a favour and pull back.  These people seek forgiveness that you cannot give, but that which they should be earning by sorting out their own dilemmas.

We keep reachin', reachin' for the fruit
We keep digging, digging for the root
Looking for the answer, what's wrong with the truth
Keep digging child, looking for the root

How much time have you spent digging for the root?
You might be starting to bear witness to so many injustices in your life, where you are either yelled at, blamed or mistreated for things that people try to hide.  In professional circles you might be struggling with maintaining an air of professionalism because people talk about you behind their backs, and rather than talking to you about issues that relate to you - they would rather talk to others about you, rather than to you.  This might happen because people don't know how to talk to you, that those people have no idea about their actions (or lack of actions and lack of courtesy) in being able to have proper conversations with you.  You might have left other jobs to seek career advancement or new challenges to extend your skills, but then find actually, jobs are the same wherever you go.  White privilege exists everywhere you turn but you never speak up because you want to believe that institutionalised racism will not affect you.  You want to believe that you can take the verbal abuse that you are subjected to from others, because you know that if situations were reversed and you were to do the same - acting in a belligerent or defiant manner in phone calls or emails - would have you hauled into human resources because you're brown.  So you continually take the moral high ground.

Look for love
It must be love
Look for love
It must be love

So we mustn't be distracted by this quest for love from others.
The most important form of love is first, to seek within yourself, the love for yourself.
If you are lonely or alone -  do things that make you happy, engage in activities that give you joy and keep you fulfilled.  Get to know yourself and learn about the vulnerable qualities that you possess - learn how to convert those weaknesses into strengths.  If others continue to bring their problems to your doorstep to solve, shut it down.  It is important to shut it down if they persist in talking about the same problems, as they already know what to do but need constant reassurance.  There will be others who try to bring their problems to you in secretive ways but continue to hide their real intentions.  These people will reveal themselves in the end and you won't need to do anything when that happens.  We just all need to remember to treat everyone with love, even when they don't deserve it.  Even when they have wronged you in the past, even if they are all saccharine sweetness to your face but have different intentions behind your back, how you react or respond to all of that - think about acts of love instead.  Be kind to yourself and you will act accordingly.

It must be love
Look for love, 
Look for love, love
Oh yeah
Keep on lookin
Keep on reachin' reachin'
Diggin' uh huh
Love is love, love
Look for love, find your love
If you're looking for that answer, what's wrong with the truth?
Keep digging child, looking for the root

Long gone are the days for justice.
We should no longer be thinking about who is in power, who is in control and our own sensitive, precious issues that do not culminate in acting for the greater good of all.  I have lost all patience for people who persist in living this way - to show others what hierarchy is all about if it is entrenched in forms of tyranny - however they choose to disguise it.  It's like putting lipstick on a pig, it's still a pig and besides, pigs thrive better in their natural environment without the fake facade of trying to make them human in that way.  We need to just keep looking within ourselves, keep reaching within ourselves and keep pulling the best of ourselves out in every situation.  I don't know how things are going in your world but for me at least, I know that the answers I seek are connected with truths that people are too afraid to make public, too afraid to admit out loud, too afraid to confront for themselves as they look in the mirror.  So my advice to myself - to thine own self be true, trust my instincts and know that I need to just keep digging child, looking for the root. . . . 

Thursday, 16 November 2017

Someone to watch over me. . .

Where is the shepherd for this lost lamb? . . . .

There's a saying old, says that love is blind
Still we're often told, "seek and ye shall find"
So I'm going to seek a certain lad I've had in mind

I love old songs like this one.  I think it reminds me of the jazz standards that we played back in high school when I was in the jazz band playing trumpet.  We didn't play this particular song, but I do remember it from Mr. Holland's Opus.  Which certain lad (or lass) do you have in mind?
You think you know exactly what you want in a person, or you think you understand what you have right now.  But nothing is ever is it seems.  I don't think we should go searching for anybody to fill any type of void in our lives, until we have figured out who we are as individuals.  I've seen it too many times before.  Seen it fail too many times when you rely on someone else for your happiness.

Looking everywhere, haven't found him yet
He's the big affair I cannot forget
Only man I ever think of with regret

We may look back in our lives and think about the lost loves, the past connections we have had.
We may find that those sepia tinted memories are exactly that.  Just memories. In the cold harsh light of reality, it wasn't as romantic as you thought it was.  Things may surface that you never noticed before and what you thought was mysterious and dreamy, may actually be hiding the truth that you needed to know all along.  They say we shouldn't live a life of regret, that we shouldn't become bitter; and we shouldn't.  So what should we do?  Learn from those big affairs.  Learn from those regrets that simmer beneath the surface.

I'd like to add his initial to my monogram
Tell me, where is the shepherd for this lost lamb?

It should take a lot for you to add someone's initial to your monogram. Why you ask?
Because your monogram is your insignia, something that everybody will be able to see and take notice of, so you want to be able to display those initials proudly. Does that mean if a monogram is a personal possession of yours, that by having their initials placed on it, does it make them your personal possession too?  I guess you could put down some fake initials if you wanted to hide your connection, or just be obscure and use the fake initials of a pet name.  Ah, it's just too much hassle isn't it.  I question if the initials on your monogram would be the same person as the shepherd?

There's a somebody I'm longin' to see
I hope that he, turns out to be
Someone to watch over me

Who have you been longing to see?
When you yearn and long for someone, it is because they are not currently with you.  They not be able to be with you because they just can't.  Physically, mentally, emotionally, whatever reasons they can't be there.  I'm not sure if who you're longing for is the same person who should be watching over you.  What do you think?  I guess it depends on why we long for them.  The real reasons.  We can delude ourselves into making excuses that suit our purposes, but we have to stop looking out the window and start looking in the mirror and confront our current reality.  What decisions are you making for yourself that have created your current situation?  If we hope that just maybe, on the off chance that somebody will be the possible someone to watch over us, is that blind love, some kind of hope that we can't possibly let go?

I'm a little lamb who's lost in the wood
I know I could, always be good
To one who'll watch over me

I guess it also depends on whether the person who watches over you is someone who actually has good intentions for doing so.  I mean, having someone stalk you because they're obsessed with you is not a healthy scenario to describe someone who watches over you - they just watch you.  Maybe we should start being good to those who watch over us in ways that make our lives better.  Those who we have forgotten to acknowledge along the way, the ones we go to in our dire times of need constantly, hoping to talk some sense into us, taking away all of the fears and worries that we carry with us everywhere.  Are you that guardian for others in your life?  My older brother used to say to me when we were young - it's really hard to be good.  I have never believed that on so many levels until I was faced with situations that required me to be good, even when I didn't want to be, didn't need to be, because I had been mistreated.

Although he may not be the man
Some girls think of as handsome
To my heart he carries the key

The only thing that matters is that whoever watches over you, knows that they are doing a stellar job.
Physical attributes aside - they can be reassured that those are not the qualities that you wish for in a man.  If he is secure with himself in the knowledge that he is able to "embrace his own vulnerability, and to use emotionality as a radical tactic against a society which teaches you that emotions are a sign of weakness" (thanks Female Collective) then it is no wonder that he will have the key to your heart.
There is nothing more attractive to me than a man who knows his own beauty in how he lives his life.

Won't you tell him please to put on some speed
Follow my lead, oh, how I need
Someone to watch over me

I hope that whoever watches over you in your life, that you are able to create more magic moments.  There are so many stresses that life brings and if we're not careful, we can let them consume us when we're not looking.  I understand now that I am a serial emotional being of platonic intimacy - and that's a good thing.  At times it might threaten others because they don't understand what that means and how absolutely non-threatening it actually is - but that says more about their own insecurities about intimacy, which they may only think can be physical.  I had a music friend tell me once that he was emotionally unavailable and I replied me too.  I don't think he was expecting me to agree with him, but that's life isn't it.  Just when people think they have you pegged, that they have you sussed out, you go and keep them guessing and surprise them with the different layers of you.  Maybe that's why sometimes, even when I totally resist it, I might need someone to watch over me. . .

Wednesday, 8 November 2017

Ordinary heart. . .

But I'll give it more than anybody. . . 

Baby I don't want to lead you on
Feed you empty promises and not follow through
There's a lot of things that I do wrong
If you're looking for the perfect one this ain't for you

When people seek you out, whether intentionally or accidentally, you have to find ways to deter them.
I guess it has more to do with knowing when to give up or let go or move one, whichever seems the more likely of the three outcomes that suits your particular scenario.  When someone has settled their sights on you and they are not part of the plan that you have for yourself, they are not part of the routine that you know derives not only success for you but success for everyone (not just them) then there is no wonder that you might be doing so many things wrong to accommodate their needs and forsaking all of yours. That should be a sign already that this is not something worth pursuing.

'Cause what I've got is just an ordinary heart
But I'll give it more than anybody
You can always trust this ordinary heart

What kind of heart do you have?
An ordinary heart implies that it is something that is simple, uncluttered, untroubled and clear.
An ordinary heart implies that it is open to being bruised and battered, thrown around and tested for its resilience.  An ordinary heart implies that there is nothing sinister, nothing secret, nothing hidden that could obscure your view about what is inside.  You are under no illusion about what this ordinary heart can bring.  If you can trust this ordinary heart, it is for all of these reasons and more - that tell you that transparency and honesty live in this ordinary heart.  

Maybe I don't want to let you down
Tell you that I'll always be around and miss my cue
I can be a lover and a fool
Every now and then I lose my cool that's what I do

When you don't want to let people down, you have to consider whether in the act of not letting them down, that you don't let yourself down.  You should not be sacrificing yourself in the process.  If there are things and other people that you should be attending to - make some tough decisions.  The number one person that you need to look out for you is yourself, particularly if you're the type of person that people normally gravitate towards.  You can try to keep yourself together and be the understanding type, but do people not understand that there is a limit?  That you are not a well of unlimited indulgence, that there is a point at which you need to be able to replenish yourself without losing yourself.

'Cause what I've got is just an ordinary heart
But I'll give it more than anybody
You can always trust this ordinary heart

When you give your heart so freely or make it freely available because you care so much, you must be prepared to either have it bruised and hurt.  I think once you learn resilience and learn not to care so much, at your own expense, this is a much better state to be in.  We can often spend far too much time worrying about things we cannot control, worrying about feelings that we cannot shift, especially if they belong to others - and people can't help the way they feel - that's what free will is all about.  The choices they make that either make your heart rejoice, or choices that break your heart into a million pieces.  If you know that you cannot love someone the way they deserve to be loved, then the best you can do is let them go and live your own life and stop sabotaging their chance at happiness.  Which heart would you trust?  An ordinary heart that has no secrets or an extraordinary heart that keeps you guessing all the time?

I know you're scared that I might change

Or even worse I'll stay the same, I'll stay the same

You might be seeking reassurance or some sort of signal that people don't change.  That promises kept will never be broken and allegiances sworn that are untested by time.  What if people don't stay the same even though they promised?  What if, even worse - you start to change yourself?  What we are most scared of is the inability to gain in love, because we have so much to lose if we engage in it - self respect, pride, self esteem, faith, hope - all of it - so we must be careful who we choose to hold our hearts.  I guess that's what makes it ordinary or extraordinary isn't it?  That no matter what happens, what scenarios or situations seem to come your way - you can always count on how your own heart will behave - or not.  You should be more scared of yourself changing into someone you might not recognise.  
'Cause what I've got is just an ordinary heart
But I'll give it more than anybody
You can always trust this ordinary heart

I hope that you are able to be in healthy relationships, rather than situationships.
That ship shouldn't even be docked at your bay.  Push it out to sea, or better yet, stop being a lighthouse that signals to them that you're nearby so that they stop. Let them crash on the rocks instead.  No point in setting out in rough seas if they're going to keep relying on others to save them all the time.  A good sailor or a  seasoned captain knows when to venture out or not.  Take it from someone who knows more than they shouldn't in this regard.  You can always trust this ordinary heart. . . 

Sunday, 5 November 2017

Ascension. . .

If you don't know then I'll say it. . . 

Oh. . .
It happened the moment when you were revealed
'Cause you were a dream that you should not have been
A fantasy real
You gave me this beating baby, this rhythm inside
And you made me feel good
And you made me feel nice and loved
Give me paradise

Sometimes you listen to music because you like how it sounds, rather than anything else.
One of the things that I love about the music, is the power of it to make you move.  This is one of those songs.  It has always been on the radar of the soundtrack of my life, and there are other songs of Maxwell that I do enjoy, but this one is definitely one of the feel good songs that I associate with summer jams, and summertime is preparing to hit Aotearoa New Zealand shores at this time.  That being said, what do the lyrics mean to you? For me they conjure images and memories associated with times I have danced with friends and dance partners I don't recall names of at various events that time has helped to elude specificity.

So shouldn't I realize
You're the highest of the high
If you don't know, then I'll say it
So don't ever wonder

What things are you just starting to realise in your life?
Are there things that we are meant to be paying attention to in life right now that we haven't paid attention to in the past?  What should you be realising now?  I learn daily what I should be realising.  I connect the thoughts and intentions of what I had planned to do with follow through, with actions that are meant to show evidence of those thoughts and intentions.  I probably do this more so for myself than with other people, because it is best to focus on honing your particular sets of skills, gifts and talents, rather than relying on others to pull through with things that they might not necessarily be focusing upon. 

So shouldn't I realize
You're the highest of the high
If you don't know, then I'll say it
So don't ever wonder

What does it mean to be the highest of the high?
Rather than it meaning a conflated sense of ego, it's more to do with you being more aware of your spiritual self, that someone recognises you have mastered your sense of self, when they have interacted with so many other people - you just seem to stick out from the crowd because you have a stronger sense of self, you know yourself so innately that you find other people's ways of looking at themselves via comparison as being irrelevant.  Being the best version of yourself is something that people should be striving to be, for themselves, not because it's the trendy thing to do, or because everyone else says it, but doesn't do it. 

So tell me how long
How long it's gonna take
Until you speak, babe
'Cause I can't live my life
Without you here by my side
You gave me the feelin'
Feelin' in my life

When people are expecting you to speak, but you don't - whose fault is that?
Sometimes you might not have the words to articulate what you really want to say, they might lack the hearing or listening skills to understand what it is you have to say.  If they are asking themselves how long things are going to take, then they lack the patience to understand you, to truly get to know you in ways that you deserve to be known.  If you don't want to speak, that's totally your prerogative.  If people cannot live without you in their lives, they need to take a serious look at what is important in their life.  If they constantly rely on you to be the person to give their life meaning, to understand why they make the same mistakes or help through the same problems that they actually constantly attract through no fault of your own - then it is little wonder that you aren't speaking.  Why would you?

So shouldn't I realize
You're the highest of the high
If you don't know, then I'll say it
So don't ever wonder

I hope that if you are the one who has mastered your own ability to ascend, that you continue to distance yourself from people who try to imitate what you're doing so they can go on their own journey.  If people are trying to compare their journey to yours rather than living their own - they need to direct their mirror towards themselves.  People will continue to gravitate towards you and marvel at what you have achieved, but know the difference between people who take from your life, rather than add value to it.  I have people in my life who are in there because they want to see me succeed and know what value I bring not only to their lives, but to the lives of friends I have yet to make.  I am grateful for these friends and acquaintances who even if they don't know me as intimately as they think they do, but at least they have said it.  I realise that for sure, so don't ever wonder. . . 

Saturday, 4 November 2017

Beautiful. . . .

And show the world the love in your heart. . . 

You've got to get up every morning
With a smile on your face
And show the world the love in your heart
Then people gonna treat you better
You're gonna find, yes you will
That you're beautiful, as you feel

People are mistreated wherever you look.
There will be instances where you have either been the person who has been mistreated, you have witnessed others being mistreated by others, or you are the person responsible for mistreating others.  I wonder sometimes whether we are truly conscious of the impact of our actions on others - not just on people in our immediate vicinity and people we might know, but on others that we might never get to meet, but who we might impact in some way, if our actions have a kind of domino or ripple effect.

Waiting at the station with the workday wind a-blowing
I've got nothing to do but watch the passers by
Mirrored in their faces I see frustration growing
And they don't see it showing, why do I?

If you take the time to observe people and take notice of them, you learn so much about what's happening - not just to them, but also what they are attracting into their own lives.  Do you wonder about the levels of frustration that people express in their daily lives?  It's probably something that I have been learning to refine over time, throughout the many phases of learning cycles that I have, particularly when I think about interactions with people.  You have to wonder if the frustration stems from things they have created, or that people have done to them.  In most cases, I have seen that frustration grows from being planted in situations that people cannot control or feel that they are valued in.  You might be witnessing people who are being rewarded for things that they haven't earned and you feel that life is passing you by.  If you're seeing frustration mirrored in their faces, is that because it's being mirrored from your own face?

You've got to get up every morning
With a smile in your face
And show the world all the love in your heart
Then people gonna treat you better 
You're gonna find, yes you will
That you're beautiful as you feel

When you get up in the morning, it is easy to think about the problems that you have, the issues that continue to plague your life. When you have to get up in the morning, are you conscious of your intentions for the day - what things are you looking forward to achieving?  What challenges do you know that you're facing?  Do you have things in hand and know what to do to minimise any distractions or interactions with people who will wipe that smile off your face?  How else will you be able to show the world all the love in your heart - if you don't first acknowledge love for yourself?  It is important to feel good - about yourself, about your life, about the things that matter the most to you.  Only then will you be able to feel as beautiful as you feel. So pay attention to how you feel.

I have often asked myself the reason for the sadness
In a world where tears are just a lullaby
If there's any answer, maybe love can end the madness 
Maybe not, oh, but we can only try

We all have various reasons for being sad.  It is how we choose to let that sadness become part of the fabric of our lives that allow us to think - are we able to move through this sadness, push past it or let it overwhelm us.  Sometimes there is a thin line between madness and sadness.  It's sometimes hard to figure out which one comes first if we choose to look at these emotions as belonging to some sort of emotional cycle.  I guess it depends on what emotional cycle you are currently processing in any given situation.  In any case, we need to be open to our feelings, know how to express them in healthy ways, and know what we don't know about them.  I guess we can only try. 

You've got to get up every morning
With a smile in your face
And show the world all the love in your heart
Then people gonna treat you better
You're gonna find, yes you will
That you're beautiful
You're beautiful
You're beautiful as you feel

I hope that if you are mistreating others, that you understand what needs to happen so that you treat others better.  If you choose to continue doing this, then you should actually stop.  You need to know that if you continue to persist, then you will only attract opportunities to feel what it is like to be mistreated yourself.  You might scoff and think, no, not me.  I am untouchable, I am invincible.  But mark my words, everyone eventually gets their comeuppance.  It might take time, but just know that you will be found out, you will pay for mistreating others.  Why?  Because those people deserve a chance to shine and to never diminish who they are, to make you feel better.  I mean, isn't this why you oppress them in the first place?  Once they realise that you have no power over them, they will know.

I hope that if you are being mistreated, that people are going to treat you better.

You don't need to be a victim in your life.  You don't need to be someone that you're not.  It's all a question really of how well do you know yourself?  Who do you want to be?  What do you want to do with your life?  Do you know how beautiful you actually are?  Get feeling good already, get feeling good today. All you need to know is that you're beautiful, you're beautiful as you feel. . . 

Thursday, 2 November 2017

Better days. . .

It's only a season that you're going through. . . 

Sometimes it feels cold
And you feel all alone
But hold on, better days are coming

It can be rough in this world
I know it ain't easy but hang on in there
Because better days are coming

There are very few songs that I can have on repeat, on constant loop - this is one of them.
When Le'Andria Johnson wails on the very first word of the song, you just know it's going to be an epic song.  I've just finished watching Season 2 of Greenleaf and this song is featured in the final episode when Charity is on tour as a backup singer.  The song is used quite cleverly during a montage and it almost serves as a summary to date about what has transpired throughout the season and leaves you wondering whether any of the scenes that it shows will be resolved in this finale.  You never feel the coldness of a situation quite as keenly as when you are isolated and alone.  You will start to question whether there is anything or anyone worth holding onto.  It will be a test of your inner strength and your own self esteem as you try to make sense of the life that you are leading.

You seen good, you seen bad
You've been happy and sad
But just remember that better days
Better days are coming

Friends, friends will leave you 
All by yourself
But don't you cry
'Cause better days are coming

Life is not one straight line.  In fact, if it was, it would be some type of boring.
The emotional phases that you will find yourself in will either be brought on by decisions that you made that affects someone else or others.  You might be the type of person that attracts drama or feels that subconsciously, drama is important in your life because if you aren't struggling through something, then you aren't truly living.  That's not healthy.  If you are someone who always has to fight every single battle that arrives at your doorstep - because you either invited it or someone else is expecting you to fight their battles - then you shouldn't be waiting for friends to leave you alone, you should be walking away from that instead.  As I've said in previous blog posts, there will be no shame in your game, if you feel that your fears need to be shown by tears.  It is a cathartic release to let go of the frustration and anger of a life that always seems to be at odds with you and what you're trying to achieve. 

Better days (better days)
I feel it, I see it, better days
Better days are coming

It's only a season that you're going through
But stay focused and 
And never lose sight

We need to work on practical solutions and positive outcomes that give us joy and happiness in living.  What do you need to do in order to feel it?  What do you need to do in order to see it?  It might take a few home truths and some well meaning honesty in a few challenging conversations to let people know what's really going on.  We must remember that despite things feeling quite desolate or we think that life just isn't cutting us a break, we must never lose sight of hope.  That is what I keep feeling, that is what I keep seeing.  I am encouraged by the glimmer of hope in the little moments that unfold before my eyes, that help to reassure me that the next best thing is only around the corner, that I must continue to persevere and do my best in all that I'm doing, that I'm on the right track, but that I just need to believe in what God has installed for me, because what He has in store for me is greater than I could have ever imagined.  Don't doubt your destiny and where you're headed.
Just know that this too will pass, that you will only be in this space for a reason, for a season.

I know people, people, people, people
They don't see the hurt you feel inside
But keep on smiling 'cause everything will be alright

Better days (I can see it)
Better days (I feel it)
Better days are coming (you've got to believe in better days)

Why don't people see the hurt you feel inside?
For the most part they probably don't want to see that in some way, they are partly responsible for you feeling that hurt.  They might also not see that hurt because they haven't really use any opportunities to get to know the real you.  Instead they have used their time to have you fix whatever problems they are going through, to be at their beck and call, to be at their disposable. That's just it isn't it - you have served and cater to their every whim.  When you hold people to account about their actions - they will either deny that it was what they're doing, or they will acknowledge is and make promises not to do it again.  But hands up any of you who are sick of excuses and broken promises.  In this final episode of Greenleaf Zora must face facts that her abusive boyfriend keeps making excuses and keeps breaking promises that he will never hurt her.  How many of us stay loyal to people that do this to us?  Maybe they're not even aware that they do this?  Maybe they expect you to be loyal because they think you are the same - but you're not.  You don't willingly set out to hurt or abuse others.  Instead you keep on smiling like everything is alright.  Stop doing that.  Be real.

Better days (it's here now, it's here now)
Better days
Better days are coming

Hey yeah
All my help comes from the Lord
Better days are coming
Better days are coming soon. . . 

I hope that we continue to have hope.
We must continue to feel as if hope is definitely here.  We just need to find it in those darkest places where there are few opportunities for hope to live.  If you look hard enough you can see those tiny points of light. If you look hard enough and seek the light, no matter how much darkness threatens to envelop you, light will be there.  Hold onto hope, grab it as hard as you can and never let it go.  As soon as we let doubt start to creep in, we start to question everything we've done, what has been done to us and make judgements about things in our past that we not only cannot control - but continue to do.  We will make mistakes in our lives, but what drives us to continue to make the same ones?  Even if we get presented with the same situations, with whispers of similar scenarios - why do we continue to make poor decisions?  Why don't we think about the consequences of our actions instead of the feelings that we think are so real at the time?  It's simple.  We want to feel good.  We want to feel loved.  But none of it is real.  The hollowness of the bubble that we keep wanting to stay in - is not real.  All of the help that we think we are getting, pales in comparison to the real help that you will get from the Lord.  Just know that hope is here.  It is looking at you, staring you in the face, not only daring you to see, but confronting you so that you can reflect on the real person inside the fake one that you might be presenting to the world.  If you feel like giving up, remember that better days are coming, better days are coming soon. . . 

Monday, 30 October 2017

Rose colored boy. . .

Low key no pressure, just hang with me and my weather. . . 

Rose colored boy
I hear you making all that noise
About the world you want to see
And oh, I'm so annoyed 
'Cause I just killed off what was left of the optimist in me

Life will throw so much at you and you have to make some tough decisions.
You have to decide whether you will take it all lying down or you stand up and pick up what gets thrown at you and hurl it back.  If you've played King Dodge or Dodge Ball as a kid for gym class or physical education - you know exactly what I'm talking about.  I can still visualise those round red rubber balls, just a bit bigger than the circumference of our pre-pubescent pelvis' - that were often deliberately or accidentally stung by said rubber balls.  Is this how you live life?  Running around trying to avoid being hit by these rubber balls, or do you try and catch them on the full and throw them back?  There will be some that you can easily avoid, but you have to take courage, take that chance and grab hold, fling it back in the faces of those who seek to continually oppress you.
I had to break it, the wars are raging on
And I have taken my glasses off
You got me nervous
I'm right at the end of my rope
A half empty girl
Don't make me laugh, I'll choke

People will mean well when they try to offer you some advice - but sometimes it misses the mark.
They don't understand that they shouldn't be comparing their first world problems with yours, because if they knew what your life was like - they wouldn't try to seek to comfort you by belittling your crises with insignificantly way-off examples of empathy that just piss you off even more.  So they should be prepared when you get snappy and tell you to just not to do things, to walk away from things.  Because in all honesty, while you're busy fixing their lives and getting drawn into all of the things that take up your headspace, energy and at its worst - even your will to live - hopefully they will realise that they are responsible for you being the half empty girl that is standing in front of them.

Just let me cry a little bit longer
I ain't gon' smile if I don't want to
Hey man, we can't be like you
I wish we were all rose colored too
My rose colored boy

Crying is not a sign of weakness.
If you are upset about something and you can't afford to be angry and go throwing chairs around the room (I've heard that helps sometimes) then you have to find some other ways to exercise that cathartic release.  We can't all be like perennially rose coloured people, and sometimes it isn't as simple as looking at the bright side as well.  Sometimes we need to stay in the funk for a little bit - not too long mind you - just enough so that we start to understand what it means to be grateful for people and things in our lives that bring us both blessings and pain - because we can't have the good without the bad.  It's how we react to the bad that pushes us to create some solutions  - or rather some pathways - to move forward.

I want you to stop insisting that I'm not a lost cause
'Cause I've been through a lot
Really all I've got is just to stay pissed off
If it's all right by you

There is nothing worse than someone telling you what to do.
For me it's when people try to tell you how to feel.  That's the absolute worst.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone said - don't be mad, don't be angry, don't be like that, you shouldn't feel that way - I would be a millionaire.  There is nothing more irritating than someone who doesn't understand how you feel - telling you how you should feel.  To these people I say - step back thanks.  Nobody asked for your five cents.  These types of people who feel entitled to offer their opinions about your feelings should be told to leave you alone. Such people though, are almost always the same people who can't even sort out their own damn feelings - so why have the nerve to tell you how to feel?  Smh.  I say, if you want to stay mad about something or someone - stay mad long enough to help you push through to a breakthrough.  If you stay too long, that only opens the door to another pathway that leads to destruction and you might not be able to recover from that.  So choose wisely.  Know yourself enough when to pull yourself from the brink.  Stay away from people who think they know you better than you do.  Chances are - these people are partly responsible for pissing you off in the first place. Ha!

Leave me here a little bit longer
I think I wanna stay in the car 
I don't want anyone seeing me cry now
You say "We gotta look on the bright side"
I say "Well maybe if you wanna go blind"
You say my eyes are getting too dark now
But boy, you ain't never seen my mind

I hope that you are able to give people space who need it the most.  Have a think about how much you can support someone through their crises (yes, as they might be multiple, but you don't even know) and just be a good friend that way.  If you can take care of your own business and can pull yourself together, then maybe they might be prepared to accept from you, being low key no pressure, just hang with me and my weather. . . 

Tuesday, 24 October 2017

Bring mana to your name. . .

Will our memory live on?. . . 

We each have a name given to us
One we must protect 
And they will leave a legacy
Of values we hope are kept
A memory of who we were
Who we belong to and what we lived for
And when we are all gone
Will our memory live on?

This is my 1000th blog post on the homepage of my blog.
I had been mindful of this milestone for a while (probably the last ten blog posts building up to this) and I hadn't decided for sure what the track would be. I only found this particular track a few days ago and knew that this would be the one.  In light of recent events, this song has now come to mean so much more than I could have imagined.  I believe that I am very lucky when I think about the familial connections on both sides of my family.  I am very lucky that I have had access to both my parents together with the learning that comes from generations of knowledge and values that we must continue to uphold.  The hope is that regardless of where we go to in our lives, that we never forget what we carry inside of us, who we carry on our shoulders as progress through achievements and excel at every turn.  I would like to think that we teach the next generation what we believe is important to hold onto, to sustain a future that allows others to build on and extend from our vision.

What I do with this name is up to me
Will I honour my name and my family?
Oh you can decide now
We can make our tupuna proud

Will you make the right decisions to honour yourself and your family?
If you have not been taught the value of responsibility in being a knowledge holder, you can be forgiven for thinking that you do hold an important position in your family.  Far from it.  Everyone has their part to play in order for you to learn, and wade your through until you reach a point where you no longer learn, but just experience the fruits of all the labour that you have put in.  You might start to ask yourself, how will you know if you bring honour to yourself, your family or your tupuna?  We forget that the works that we produce with our hands, have ways of traveling, whether they continue to bear fruit for other people to enjoy, or provide seeds that others can plant once they have learned what you have had to teach.  Your tupuna will visit you in your dreams. to make sure that you know whether you have made them proud, or at least be aware of what your destiny is.  

Kia tiakina to ingoa
In all of your days
Be true to your name
Kia tiakina to ingoa
Don't be afraid (don't be afraid)
Stand up and bring mana to your name

How can you be true to your name?
The most authentic thing about you will be your name.
In Pacific cultures we value our names quite highly because you will most likely be named after someone, whose name is gifted to you because there is an intent that you carry the qualities of that ancestor.  I like to think that when families are consulted about prospective names for newborn children, they consider which ancestor's traits are missing within the family - and they agree on a name.  This can be true for when the name has been gifted to you, and it has been given to you because you have a role to fulfil within your family and wider community.  

(We live), We live in a world of fear and sorrow
(Let's join),  Let's join the fight for a brighter tomorrow
(Let us) Let's bring strength to our name
Don't be discouraged, don't be ashamed
(If we), If we just reached up to our fallen brother
(And he), And he will learn to reach out to another
Strong and true to our name
(That's why) Together we can make a change
We can decide now, can make our family proud

I can't help but think that with the change of government in Aotearoa, this song is a great way to think about what legacy political parties want to leave behind, what MMP - the electoral system we abide by in this country can be used in a way to benefit the most vulnerable of our society.  The last government bragged about the strong economic growth of our nation, but it was done at the expense of those in our society who needed protection the most.  A brighter tomorrow needs to be one in which people can help to support each other and learn how to collectively strong together.  Why would you want to subject people who are less fortunate to sanctions that continue to put them into further poverty.  Education is the one area in which those who are considered from the lower socio-economic section of society - can rise above their perceived position.  (I should know, I'm a product of a system that I wasn't supposed to be successful in).  The irony of being seen as a success in mainstream society in my country is that people that I am meant to represent, are always seen negatively.  The stereotypes don't do us justice at all.  We can use our names as vehicles to allow us to stand strong.

Kia tiakina to ingoa
In all of your days
Be true to your name
Kia tiakina to ingoa
Don't be afraid
Stand up and bring mana to your name
Mana to your name

It is very easy to be subsumed into larger parts of society and classify people like me as belonging to places that label me as lazy, ignorant and uneducated because of my skin colour.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  Is this what it means for us to be true to our name?  Even those who are of mixed heritages and may accidentally be classified as enjoying the benefits of white privilege, being the lighter shade of tan, chocolate, cinnamon, umber, burnt umber even - should we continue to be afraid and stuck in places that do not accept us whichever way we might turn?  

Kia tiakina to ingoa
Don't be afraid
Stand up and bring mana to your name

I hope you take into consideration what your actions do and how your thoughts translate into actions.  We live in terrible times right now.  I use the word terrible to mean things being extremely serious - where things that we thought would be preposterous, suddenly don't seem to be anymore.  Our current normal was once thought to be that of fantasy and fiction, but yet, here we are.  There is no time to be wasted being afraid of what we cannot control.  We also cannot stand by and allow terrible things to happen that could also be prevented.  What if people are misinterpreting what bringing mana to their names actually means?  Mana is defined as as a Polynesian, Melanesian and Māori belief meaning an impersonal supernatural power that can be transmitted or inherited.  I question the use of the word impersonal, because I think mana is most certainly the complete opposite of impersonal.  How will you choose to transmit mana?  How will you take the mana that you have inherited and make your family proud?  It doesn't matter where we are, what journeys that we are on - just make sure that you stand up and bring mana to your name. . .