Friday, 28 April 2017

You've got a way. . .

I've gotta say - you really got a way. . . 

You've got a way with me
Somehow you got me to believe
In everything that I could be
I've gotta say - you really got a way

There is something really special about having someone believe in you and someone who believes in the dreams that you have, not for each other, but just for you.  There are so many other people in the world who will spend much of their time trying to convince you that you aren't worthy of making plans and having dreams, but that's only because they haven't had much success with their own plans and dreams. ,so if they come across someone special like you, they can see what it means to be not just a dreamer, but someone who turns their dreams into reality.  If you have someone in your life who speaks life into your dreams and makes you realise that your life is better for having them in it - keep them close.

You've got a way it seems
You gave me faith to find my dreams
You'll never know just what that means
Can't you see, you got a way with me

Can you count the ways in which things that really mean so much, are conveyed to the person who maybe unwittingly doesn't realise that they've had a hand in making your dreams not just plausible - but really possible?  When we lose faith in ourselves and our dreams, it may take us some time to regain our bearings and decide whether we choose to reclaim our dreams.  We have so many decisions to make - whether our plans and dreams will change because we've lost someone who we had planned to make those dreams come true with.  I guess I will never know what it means again in quite the same way, because I will never lose sight of the way you had things with me.  When those moments are over because they cant be relived - it's because we can't recapture time, but we can only live in the memories of what was and the way you had with me.

It's in the way you want me
It's in the way you hold me
The way you show me what love's made of
It's in the way we make love

Have you experienced what it feels like to be really wanted by someone?  To feel what it means to be really held by someone?  You might think you have felt that before, but if it has faded quickly, it probably made you question whether you ever really had it in the first place.  When you are in the throes of those moments of want or desire, of being held and cherished - just enjoy those times.  Sometimes we never really know what love is made of until someone shows us.  Love means different things to different people and I have honestly cherished the various journeys along the way that have made me think, yes, I have come a long way, and despite there being such a long way to go, the way ahead doesn't seem as scary as I first thought.


You've got a way with words
You get me smiling even when it hurts
There's no way to measure what your love is worth
I can't believe the way you get through to me

When there are people who are able to get through to you, who are able to penetrate the veneer or the facade that you feel compelled to construct, hold onto these people.  There will rarely be good quality people who will, in their best of intentions hurt you with the truth, but it is totally necessary.  It is the difference between looking through a window and blaming everyone for your problems and your situation when you should actually be looking at yourself in a mirror and completely examining why the tiredness and fatigue have set in around your eyes, that furrow in your brow, those wrinkles and lines that have appeared thanks to the poor decisions you made that caused those stress lines.

Oh how I adore you
Like no one before you
I love you just the way you are

Who do you adore?
I don't know if that's a word you would necessarily throw around quite freely; when you adore someone.  It's the kind of word I normally associate with Christmas carols *oh come let us adore Him*, and it just seems so old fashioned, who says you adore someone these days anyway?  Has someone adored you?  I think my late husband showed me the real definition of this word when he was alive.  He knew exactly what it meant to make me feel adored.  He had admiration and adoration for me - tried to do anything and everything to make me smile, to make me laugh, to convince me of his love.  Have you ever done that for anyone?  I remember trying to reciprocate the same adoration for him, making efforts to do things and say things that he wanted to hear, that I knew he would appreciate and love.  Come to think of it, he used to say he adored me.  He wrote "I adore you baby" once on a Valentine's Day card.  Hmm.... almost forgot about that.

It's in the way you want me
It's in the way you hold me
The way you show me what love's made of
It's in the way we make love

I hope that you appreciate who you are with.  Do you know and recognise the ways in which they have a way with you?  If they don't know how they mean to you, let them know.  In my experience, life is too short to not let the people you love know that you care about them and want the best with them.  I've recently reconnected with people that I loved very much, shared so many memories with and now I'm looking forward to making more memories with them.  Even though distance, time and circumstances kept us all apart for whatever reasons beyond our control, but I am grateful for new opportunities to grow and develop who I am, who they are and who we will become.  I guess I'm just excited about the prospects of new things in life.  I don't know if it has anything to do with me having a way with them, you, her, him, us.  Who really knows if I even have a way about myself?  Maybe it's just the way you are. . . 

Monday, 24 April 2017

Haven't we met. . .

When someone asks you, haven't we met?

Do you like meeting new people?
The nature of my work (and my personality, if I'm willing to admit) is open to meeting new people and listening to their stories.  I have had instances in the past where I bump into someone that looks familiar and they ask this question.  I find it mildly amusing because you have to question whether it's a ruse on their part to meet you because you've caught them trying to make eye contact with you from across the room or they are actually quite genuine and really want to place where they have seen you before.  The ones I hate the most are the people who I know I have most certainly met before, but they act like they haven't met you before.  That's a sure sign that they are either really bad with faces or just plain disrespectful.  Those types of people I know, never to give the time of day to again.

I've ordered some rain for tomorrow
The sky will be sunny but wet
And out of nowhere you're suddenly there
And I say, "Yeah, pardon me, haven't we met?"

I like the easy shuffle that you hear in this song.  A quick brisk three count shuffle that maintains its shape throughout the song.  The syncopation emphasised in the guitar and drums helps to paint the picture of what we hear.  The thing that I like most about jazz songs is the way in which it tells a story and you're expected to be taken on this journey.  The first verse is normally the verse that gives us a subtle introduction that lays the foundation for the rest of the song to build variations upon.
When people have appeared out of nowhere to ask you if they have met you somewhere before, how do you normally react?  You might disagree or search features of their face and compare with the faces that sit in your archive of faces.

I've ordered some sunshine with showers
And I've got my scenery set
Right there with a thump our umbrellas gonna bump
And I say, "Yeah, yeah, pardon me, haven't we met?"

It makes me smile to think that when chance encounters happen, it is the introduction, or at least trying to secure an introduction that is the most difficult of all.  How many movies or romcoms have you seen that has our main protagonist trying to engineer an introduction or at least try to have themselves seen in a different light so that the object of their desire will finally notice them?  We might rely on friends who give us totally wrong advice



Accidents can happen
And into one I'm gonna slide
There's a good chance to get my hands
On a little romance when two hearts collide

How can you slide into an accident?
The bridge offers us a departure from the melodic and harmonic stability found in the verses or refrains (depending on how you look at it I guess).  Do you think about the times when chance encounters have blossomed into so much more?  I think all of my encounters have been that way.  Funny how in hindsight, things seem so much clearer, and maybe after a time, the other person is able to tell you exactly if the moment was engineered or not.  There never is really a right way to meet someone but never be afraid or freak out when a moment comes along.

And I know that's just how it happened
When Romeo met Juliet
Somewhere I've read that old Romeo said
"Pardon me, haven't we met?"

Probably the most famous chance encounter in history would have to be that of Romeo and Juliet.
The kind of love, star crossed lovers who weren't meant to fall in love, but did, and because of the depth of that love, made plans to be forever together, with fatalistic proportions.  I'm not suggesting that we haven't really loved in life at all even we haven't had such a fatalistic love either, because you don't need to have such drama play out at all, in fact, it can be as you and when you like, however you would like it to be, as long as the other party is willing.  There's nothing less attractive than being in a one-sided relationship on your own, trying to do all of the things that make a relationship work without any input from the other person that's supposed to be in it with you.

And I know that's just how it happened
When Romeo met Juliet
Somewhere I've read that old Romeo said
"Pardon me", oh, he said, "Pardon me"
He said, "Pardon me, haven't we met?"

I hope that wherever we find ourselves in our journeys, that we recognise opportunities when it crosses our paths.  Possible connections with human connections, well, meaningful ones anyway, are rare and precious indeed.  Being able to vibe out with someone and recognise how important they are in the fabric in your life will depend largely on your ability to stay in each other's worlds.  You might be the person that is the glue keeping everyone and everything together, or you might be the wanderer who prefers to work alone and complete things without having to answer to anybody.  However we choose to exercise our independence and freedom, can either be seen as an example for others to follow or an example for others to avoid.  I guess we never really need to know how anything happens, but just keep your ears attuned for the next time someone says "Pardon me, haven't we met?". . . 

Sunday, 23 April 2017

Celestial. . .

That special place where earth meets heaven. . . 

I've been having lots of conversations with friends - old and new lately and it's been a trying time for all of them in many ways, many different ways.  When we go through such times, we might like to think that we want to escape our current reality and go live somewhere else that takes us away from our problems, from being trapped in something that we don't want to be in, to have a break from a life that is just non-stop.  I sometimes feel like I'm stuck on a merry go round that I can't get off because people insist on pushing it faster and faster to give me some cheap thrill that I didn't ask for.  I guess I just want to get off the ride and have some peace and quiet somewhere and think about nothing that brings stress or anything or anyone that constantly demands time or attention from me.  Is that so much to ask?

Oh, what a marvellous sight
Oceans turn to gold right before my eyes
That vibrant colour I crave
Wish I could taste
Take me there, take me there

I wonder what marvellous sights I will see in this place.
Is that golden horizon as elusive as it seems to be?  Why do we keep ourselves in dark places that threaten to seep itself into our pores when we aren't looking?  I was in Wellington recently and an old friend spoke to me about my recent blog posts.  He said, I see all the love blog posts you've been putting up and I think aw I hope you're ok and how difficult it must be to have lost love in your life.  I was slightly taken aback as I wasn't expecting such a statement, but it did make me think about what I have been blogging about.  I guess I write blog posts about songs that move me and songs that make me lose myself in their music, in its celestial nature if you will.  I wasn't angry about what he said but just intrigued about his offering of pity or sympathy that showed me he cared.  I wasn't expecting it that's all.  When I thought about it later, it made me chuckle.  I don't know why exactly, it just did.

I'll dive in the sky, oh the water's alive
I'll float down to soak in the stars
Swim away from the night, I am swallowed by light
Suddenly love doesn't seem very far

I sometimes think to be in love, you must be consumed in light.
I mean, this must be what strangers or work colleagues see in you but can't explain when they see you floating around the place.  Is it a bad thing?  Sometimes people say inappropriate things to you at work because they think they are trying to help and trying to show that they care, but to each their own.  If we can, as much as we can, swim away from the night as much possible because if we let darkness permeate our minds, it makes us second guess ourselves, steals precious time that we could be spending enjoying life, making plans to live our best lives and just be.



Here in this castle that sits on a cloud
Something consumes this heart, rooted deep down
Now slowly I'm falling but I don't need saving
You'll already got me, you've already got me

When you spend so much time saving others in your life, you start to question whether in fact you're the one that needs saving.  But no.  You quickly realise that as hard as life seems and how difficult the challenges seem to be  - that they are as insurmountable as people who don't know would have you believe; the truth is, they could never walk in your shoes.  It amuses me when I think that people think they have you pegged, have you all figured out and label you in a certain way because it makes them feel a sense of power to box you in.  If you think you need saving, go and locate someone who is willing to save you.  I would like to think that I don't rely on people to save me, but even if I did ask them to save me, it isn't often.  Do you know who has you?  Who has saved you already?  Do they know that they've saved you?  Don't forget to acknowledge and thank people who have saved you, been there for you when you least expected anybody to recognise you needed such support.

I'll dive in the sky, oh the water's alive
I'll float down to soak in the stars
Swim away from the night, I'm swallowed by light
Suddenly love doesn't seem very far
Take me there, take me there. . . 

I hope that you realise that when it is time for you to shine, that you shine as brightly as you can while soaking in those stars.  There might be others who will want to dim your light, but don't get mad.  Just remember that these people have been placed in your life to show you how bright your light really, to help you see the contrast that exists against their darkness.  Is it no wonder then they in the act of them trying to snuff out your light, that they just can't help being drawn to it in the first instance?  It's a bit of a catch 22 isn't it?  For them anyway, not for you.  People may want to willingly cause you harm but then come to realise that you are much more valuable as an ally than as an enemy.  I hope that in spite of all the obstacles that seem to be thrown in your path, just know that love doesn't seem very far at all.  We're talking about that special place where love is born and tries to get to you.  Don't be afraid of love and never be afraid of your light.  It's beautiful, bright and celestial.  And as you know, the celestial glow is blinding. . . 

Thursday, 20 April 2017

Once was love. . .

When you cling to the old, rather than embrace the new. . . 

Don't delay something tells me I gotta go away
Maybe it's the way we always stay when our hearts have gone
We can't hold us anymore, no we've got to fold
Down to the floor, yes I know it's cold but baby, our hearts have gone

We do this to ourselves don't we?
Have you ever held on when you should've let go?  For whatever reasons that we find, to tell ourselves why things are so much harder than they have to be, for whatever excuses we choose to fill our minds so that we can help to avoid the inevitable is quite frankly a waste of time.  We never know when the right time to make significant decisions that will impact the rest of our life, but when is the right time?  When do we realise when it's no longer time to hold, but rather, it's time to fold?  We should know when to cut our losses and think about what we really want in our lives.

Just because there once was love
Don't mean a thing, don't mean a thing
Just because there was once was love
Don't mean a thing, don't mean a thing
Just because there once was love
Don't mean a thing, don't mean a thing
Just because there was once was love

In relationships, those are the times or moments where you work with your partner to discover what things mean something and what things don't.  When do we get to a point when things don't mean a thing anymore?  When do we start losing respect for someone's opinions and start to resent them or see them in some different light that we probably wouldn't go so far as to extinguish their light, but that we could probably move away from their light that blinds you with the noise that comes out of their mouth, doesn't take you into account anymore and that once sweet voice that used to make your knees melt, now makes your knees lock in position so you can't actually escape.  When do we allow ourselves the opportunity to escape when that is obviously the only thing that you should be doing?



I gotta see if I'm filled up when it's only me
It's not your fault but you just can't be there
Now that my heart is gone, now that my heart is gone
Now that my heart is gone

There is nothing wrong with rediscovering yourself and getting to know you.  On your own.  Seriously.  When we rely on others to fill us up, then there is something wrong with you.  Because you stopped valuing who you are, you stopped remembering what made you the person people came to love and adore, but instead you buried yourself so deep within yourself, that you lost yourself.  I remember being somebody different each time I was with a different group of people.  I spent so much time cultivating all of these personas and pleasing people to make them feel better about themselves.  Giving so much to others would make you think that you would leave nothing in the tank for yourself.  I now know that isn't the case for me.  I now know that I have an abundance of this within me, but I just need to be more selective and discerning about who I choose to take from me, especially when I am unwilling to give, or know not to give.

Just because there once was love
Don't mean a thing, don't mean a thing
Just because there was once was love
Don't mean a thing, don't mean a thing
Just because there once was love
Don't mean a thing, don't mean a thing
Just because there was once was love

You would think that the older we get, the more we should know, and the smarter we should come.
Sometimes that is the case, and other times it is definitely not.  When do we stop living the intensity of our lives and then start to succumb to the insanity of it all?  When we do start pushing things around so that we can finally see where we are meant to be, doing what we are meant to do, and being next to who we are meant to be?  When you figure out that things that mattered so much to you, no longer matter, you start to realise your own worth.  You start to realise how much you want more for not only yourself, but for others who are on the same mission as you.

Everyone is hurting now and everything is burning down
I can build back my new town today, today especially now that we know that yes, maybe, that even though we can't know for sure what tomorrow brings, we will remember that yesterday there once was love. . . 

Monday, 17 April 2017

Been so long. . .

When I saw you . . I finally realise that yeah. . . it's been so long. . .

Oh yeah crazy right out of the blue
I bumped into you today
And I forgot the reasons why
Why I went away?

Wow.  I can't remember the last time I saw you.  It's been that long.
You said something that made me so mad I couldn't talk to you again.  I realised a few things in the time apart and I guess it made me re-examine what I thought about the reasons why we drifted apart.  It was actually because I pushed you away.  But you always knew what buttons to press to push me in whichever way to react to something you said, even more so than anything you really did.  I guess I wasn't up to a life like that anymore, the only dramas I would willingly seek would be the ones that I would actively see in a movie that I wanted to see on the big screen, and not played out in my little life.

Funny how fate opens the door
And destiny walks in
The only thing that I know for sure
Exactly how long it's been

I wonder what fate had in mind when the door opened and you stood there.  Are you my destiny?
I can't recall having feelings like this in a such a long time and I'm not at all sure whether it is because of the history that we have or because it's something new that has been ignited that wasn't really there before.  It has been a long time and that may be a bad thing, not necessarily a good thing.  But on the flip side it could be a good thing too, because what good is having a heart and knowing if you're in love if you don't take your heart out for a test drive?

'Cause baby it's been so long
Since I had you here with me
Baby it's been so long
Baby come to me

Well I guess it's been so long because there's been a lot of growing up that needed to happen.
I know I have definitely had to grow up a lot faster than I anticipated, and you weren't far off yourself, having to grow up because you had no choice.  It was either grow up and find your own destiny or fate would deal you a door that lead to some crippling reality that would be worse than death.  It sounds melodramatic, but I saw the life that you lead; servitude couldn't quite cut it.  I'm not sure whether I should come to you or not.  I'm never really sure about how to feel around you.  There are so many things in life that I can be sure of, but truly being here with you has been something I didn't really think possible.


Do you ever think of us?
And the way it used to be
Late at night, I long for your touch
All the things that you do to me

What was it like the way it used to be? Do I ever think of us?  I guess I never really entertained the thought because it all seemed pretty straight forward and unsuitable to plan a life together.  You always had plans in place and I could see in your naivety that you actually thought it could be without friction or fallout or anything traumatic than I was prepared to go through.  I guess that's what makes us different; you with your enthusiasm and throw caution to the wind, devil may care attitude while I always curbed my enthusiasm, never messed around with the winds and had the attitude of being angel fearing to tread where fools tread.  I understand all of the things that you long for from me, and what I can do to you.  It's as clear to me in every song that you played or wrote and intended for my ears to hear.

They say, it's just like riding a bike
Some things you never forget
You know all the things that I like
Let's see how much harder it gets

I have never forgotten what it has been like to be with you.  It is a bit like riding a bike and if you haven't ridden a bike in so long, it just takes a few turns around the block before you get your groove back, jump back off the bike and smack the cool back into your walk.  Once you start to get a feel for riding that bike, it suddenly becomes your favourite mode of transport and you just want to keep riding it.  Is it because of the thrill you get when riding again?  That there are now feelings of elation and freedom that come from riding the bike?  I do know all the things that you like.  I'm just not sure how much I'm prepared to hold onto this bike once it gets much harder.

They're playing our song
Oh baby now, it might be wrong
Oh baby now, I hope that this night don't end
Oh baby now, it might be right 
Oh baby now, right here tonight
Oh baby now, what do you say?
Can you stay?

I hope that we continue to keep listening to our songs when they are played.
I have often heard songs that we shared and played during specific times we were together and they either bring tears of sorrow or smiles of joy.  While there is no such thing as perfection when it comes to love, everyone can agree that love in itself is perfection.  If you asked me to stay, I wouldn't know what to say.  Things may feel right, for right now, and who knows what tomorrow brings.  Regardless of what choices we make, we can just see it for what it is, that it's just been so long. . . 

Monday, 10 April 2017

Sway. . .

my way. . . yeah I need to know all about you. . . 

Don't stray, don't ever go away
I should be much too smart for this
You know it gets the better of me
Sometimes when you and I collide
I fall into an ocean of you, pull me out in time
Don't let me drown, let me down
I say it's all because of you 

This song was featured on three American movies - American Pie, American Reunion and Cruel Intentions.  It also had two music videos that I've featured in this blog post.  The matters of the heart are often confused with logical thought patterns that threaten to derail possible romances and budding relationships.  Are you too smart for this?  Are you able to tell the difference between what letting yourself go or willingly plunging yourself in there?  Expect to be swept away, and for someone to press your buttons.  Maybe it is time that those buttons are pressed.  I mean, who else is going to press them?  It's like those companies where everybody colours inside the lines, does things by the book and never thinks to experiment or think outside the square - because you'd rather accept that change is hard, even though people who are unwilling to change are harder.

And here I go losing all control
I'm practising your name 
So I can say it to your face
It doesn't seem right to look you in the eye
And let all the things you mean to me
Come tumbling out my mouth indeed its time
Tell you why, I say it's infinitely true

How many times in your life have you tried to learn someone's name?  Really tried hard to practise it so that you could say it confidently (and most importantly - accurately!) and at least by doing so, unwittingly reveal some small token that you value who they are as a person; that you respect where they come from, even if you don't really ask because you don't want to seem too eager.  How much is too much for you to tell someone how much they mean to you?  It's a good idea to always let someone know, in case something happens to you or something happens to them or the universe just isn't playing ball with you right now - that you let someone know how you feel.  We probably never say it often enough because we all think that we have time.  But time intervenes.  Life happens and then life ends.  How can we move on when death has loomed large and bright within our shadows?



Say you'll stay 
Don't come and go like you do
Sway my way
Yeah I need to know all about you

When you have asked someone to stay - have they stayed?
I don't think you can ask someone to stay if you don't have anything to offer so that they can stay.
It's different from asking someone to leave - to move on and completely forget about you.
The fear that comes with not wanting the rejection after baring your soul and making yourself emotionally available and receptive to love, while at the same time exposing yourself in your most vulnerable state to possible humiliation - should be enough of a deterrent right?  I think once you arrive at a point in your life where you can no longer keep things in check; can no longer pretend that you want to just tell him that yeah, I do want you to stay, but then I don't know if I really want to either.  The fear of making decisions is enough to stop you in your tracks from pursuing your real life goals that bring you joy.  Sometimes we are our own worst enemies plaguing ourselves with unfounded insecurities that are completely fabricated.



And there's no cure, and no way to be sure
Why everything's turned inside out
Instilling so much doubt, it makes me so tired
I feel so uninspired 
My head is battling with my heart
My logic has been torn apart
And now it all turns sour
Come sweeten every afternoon

I don't know about you, but I wasn't really a fan of being in relationships.
I think once I kind of got accustomed to society's rules about what it meant to date, be courted or wooed, be engaged and then finally married - all of this what seemed to be a  process that never ended, was cut short, abruptly by an unexpected state of widowhood.  I'm not saying you can plan for that.  Widowhood.  I don't know of many people who planned them unless their significant other was sick or things became beyond your control.  When your logic tears apart, it is because every single avenue has been explored,

Say you'll stay
Don't come and go like you do
Sway my way
Yeah I need to know all about you

I hope that you don't worry too much about when people come and go like they do with you.
I have learned to (and continue to learn) to adjust to not being hurt by disappointment and betrayal, because I think that those negative experiences are deliberately sent to us to help us learn how to respond to strife and turmoil.  You would only know if someone is coming and going like they do, because you take notice of their actions and keep track of what they have actually done (or not).

Just relish all of the craziness that seems to be swirling around you at the moment.  Life isn't meant to be tied up in tiny little boxes with neatly pressed bright pink ribbons and smelling like the most fragrant red and white roses.  We need to prepare ourselves for the unexpected.  We need to be sure that the choices that we make today, improve what is to come.  Knowing my luck, just saying that you're responsible for all of this, would only make you turn around and look at me solemnly whispering. . . It's all because of you, it's all because of you. . . 

Sunday, 9 April 2017

Close my eyes. . .

What I see when I close my eyes. . . 

I was a wayward child
With the weight of the world
That I held deep inside
Life was a winding road
And I learned many things
Little ones shouldn't know

When you carry the weight of the world on your shoulders, including the weight of everyone else's world around you on your shoulders, is it any wonder that your shoulders broaden and adjust to accommodate that sheer weight.  If I combine all of the things that I learned far too soon and early on in my life - things I didn't need to learn about and understand because as an adult I feel that while I wanted to or should have been left a child a little while longer; it was not in the grand design from the architect of my life to shield me from such events.  They were meant to experienced early because there are much more pressing matters that I am carrying with me now; loads from other people that only I can carry, no matter how much I would like to put it down.  We learn to accept what we cannot change, but at the same time appreciate that we are born this way - to help others who cannot help themselves.

But I closed my eyes
Steadied my feet on the ground
Raised my head to the sky
And though time's rolled by
Still feel like that child
As I look at the moon
Maybe I grew up
A little too soon

Have you been a precocious child?
I remember as a young person, always wanting to have conversations with people older than me and wanting to surround myself with these people, to learn from them and be immersed in decision making.  I can recall many times when I have raised my eyes to the moon and traced each line or circle that I saw, trying to keep it burning in my memory so that if I ever found myself in dark places again, I could draw that moon in my mind's eye and remember to shine my moonlight and remember to be present in any situation, even when I wasn't expected to speak, but just be seen.

Funny how one can learn
To grow numb to the madness
And block it away 
I left the worst unsaid
Let it all dissipate
And I try to forget


When something is too difficult to discuss, it is often relegated to the pit of silence, where all things go to die that do not want to be resurrected, seen or heard from again.  We might find ourselves going through some type of mourning period to acknowledge the trauma or madness that we let consume us and pushed us to make crazy decisions that were shortsighted.  Instead let's look at how we can develop these suits of numbness, these uncaring ways that help us to sweep things under the carpet and forget ever existed.  What do we possibly hope to gain with no closure?  I guess it depends on how big the trauma is and what we are prepared to explore (or not).


Nearing the edge 
Oblivious I almost
Fell right over
A part of me
Will never be quite able
To feel stable
That woman-child falling inside 
Was on the verge of fading
Thankfully I
Woke up in time

That woman-child still exists, depending on who I am talking to.
Regardless of where I am, even if physically I am a woman, I can still see things in their innocence as with the eyes of a child, or see them as they need to be seen, accepted in all its ugly reality when required.  That changeling state is something I feel that we should never relinquish.  That even if our outer body shows the advancing years of age, we must continue to be agile in our thinking and with out spirits so that we can recall and remember how it felt to be small once.

Guardian angel I
Sail away on an ocean
With you by my side
Orange clouds roll by
They burn into your image
And you're still alive

Do you have guardian angels?
I feel mine daily.  They are especially talkative during difficult times when I ask myself questions and  stressing out over things that have been placed in my way rather than through any well-meaning intention of a gift.  It is important to remember how things or people come to you.  It makes all the difference in the world to consider how things have been conveyed to you, how people have been introduced to you when you least expect.  There have been new people that I have met that have definitely felt that there has been some divine guidance about their placement in my life.  It is important for us to recognise the signs, to believe and know that what we are trying to do with our gifts and talents on a daily basis, are all connected to something, to someone, to somewhere.

But I closed my eyes
Steadied my feet on the ground
Raised my head to the sky
And though time's rolled by
Still feel like that child
As I look at the moon
Maybe I grew up
A little too soon

I hope that even though I've had to grow up a little too soon, that I never forget what it is like to have a young heart that also lives within my mind, a heart that remembers to feel all it encounters, to explore what comes my way and not worry so much.  There is enough worry and pain in the world, without having to add to it with silly bouts of worry or indecision, particularly where it is unwarranted.  I think all I need to remember is that even though when my eyes are open and things may get overwhelming, I should also trust in the direction that my life is going, trust in the process that I am still learning to come to grips with it, embrace it and celebrate it.  No matter what happens as time passes by, it's how I feel inside that counts and how I see myself because I still feel like that child as I look at the moon. . . 

I Don't Know How It Feels To Be U. . .

Listen up, so you know how it feels to be me. . . 

There's something about this song that is really appealing.  I'm not sure whether it's because it's Friday afternoon here in Aotearoa New Zealand, it's close to the end of the workday and all I can think about while listening to this song is playing it full blast on repeat while sipping a glass of my favourite elixir in a bubble bath, surrounded by scented candles.  Bliss I tell you.  Just pure bliss.

I don't know, I don't know how it feels to be you
Though I try my best to understand what you're going through
I don't know how it feels to be you

When a man says he doesn't know how it feels to be you, he should be asking what he needs to know in order to feel what it is like to be you.  What does he need to know in order to understand your experiences as a woman?  To know what your challenges are?  To know what discrimination you might face on a daily basis, or things that he's doing that just adds unnecessary pressure or takes away the focus on what you need to be getting on with.  I guess what we could be celebrating is that acknowledgement that a lack of understanding is taking place and that they are willing to push through with learning all there is to know about you.

Though I try to learn your steps
I don't know what makes you dance
I don't know what turns your grey skies back to blue
Though I try to see your side
And swallow all my pride
There is no way I can take a step in your shoes

Maybe he's out of touch with learning the steps, because he's never really had to learn dance steps from anyone else before.  He hasn't taken it upon himself to learn the steps and win someone over.  You might find yourself coming across such men as this quite often in your life.  People start to question whether you are deliberately attracting them to you, but it could just be completely taken out of your hands.  You can't help who you are and if people want to be around you, because you make them feel better about themselves, are you able to limit that?  When you argue with people (or don't), and you are expecting an apology for an insanely long list of crimes against common human decency, you might find yourself waiting for hell to freeze over.  Face it - an extremely long time.


So lay your cheeks upon your chest
Tell me everything that haunts your mind
Oh wow oh oh oh
I may not have all the answers
But if you let me I can at least try
(Let me try baby) uh uh uh 
And when I'm sure I've had enough
The angels tell me just to wait a while oh oh oh 
And baby I am sorry for being so hard on you sometimes

Have you had someone offer to listen to or try to remove the things from your mind that's weighing you down - but they weren't the right person?  You can be forgiven for getting increasingly frustrated at people who think they can say inappropriate things to you.  Maybe you just need to be a lot clearer and have an opportunity to tell them to their face, when they are brave enough to show it.  In the meantime, continue doing what you usually do.  You know your intentions and what you are trying to do.  It just gets a little draining having to justify yourself all the time doesn't it?  When I've disagreed with comments that a friend has made, it depends on how I think that particular friend will react, that dictates how I will interact with them.  I have friends that may not have all the answers but at least they try.  I have friends who have more questions than answers, because they're not equipped to arrive at their own solutions.  Then there are the friends who think they have all the answers and like to make comments, give opinions or pass judgement on things that they are not required to.

Every I ask myself 
Are we really on the same page oh huh
And everyday I wonder, is there something that I'm 
Supposed to say, I wonder baby

When you have disagreements with people, how long do you leave it until you address the issue?
You might not even address it all and just pretend nothing is even there.  You might have to find other opportunities to have that hard conversation.  But whatever you decide to do, just don't waste so much time wondering what it is that you are supposed to say to people.  Just be who you want to be and say what you need to say because it comes from a genuine place and most certainly, from a place of love.

'Cause you and I are so in time
Maybe I'm just picking the wrong lines
'Cause I feel it in my heart, you know I adore you
But sometimes you can't even look me in the eye
Why oh why oh tell me why I don't know

I hope that people will start to say the right lines to you.
But even if they don't, it might be because it will take them a while to figure out how to say any type of lines to you, get it wrong a few times, before the lines are right.  I started this blog post on Friday and so much has happened since then and now it's Sunday evening.  It has made me reflect on how quickly change has come about and what it is that you can do to make your life better, even when people around you cannot sometimes be relied upon, disappoint you or will never truly understand how it feels to be you. . . 

Wednesday, 5 April 2017

Fresh eyes. . .

When you see me with fresh eyes, fresh eyes. . . 

I got these fresh eyes, never seen you before like this
My God, you're beautiful
It's like the first time when we open the door
Before we got used to usual

Are you uncomfortable with compliments?
It might be something that you struggle with, particularly if you don't like receiving compliments about your physical appearance and how you're dressed.  People read far too much into what you wear sometimes and if you do happen to change what you wear, it's totally up to you why you decide to do that.  Does there have to be a reason?  Can you just wear what you want because that's what you actually feel like wearing and that if wearing something that you don't usually wear attracts further attention, that's more about other people noticing you, because they've never really noticed you before.

It might seem superficial, stereotypical, man
You dress up just a little and I'm like "Oh. . . . damn"

Yes it is superficial and stereotypical.  People might compliment you on how flattering new clothes or outfits look on you because your body is changing too, because you've started to reclaim your health as your new form of wealth.  They may start to appreciate your taste in clothes and may even start to wonder if you've developed a fashion sense that they had never really noticed before?  I don't know how you feel about that.  You might have all the confidence in the world, but to be honest, I don't really like it.  Granted I know that it's important to look good to be presentable (especially for professional situations where you are leading from the front or guiding a process), and to wear clothes that make you feel confident and comfortable so that you can go about your day without wearing about what you're wearing.

So suddenly I'm in love with a stranger
I can't believe that she's mine
Now all I see is you with fresh eyes, fresh eyes
So suddenly I'm in love with a stranger
I can't believe that she's mine yeah
Now all I see is you with fresh eyes, fresh eyes

Why do you see differently now?
What do your fresh eyes show you now that they didn't realise with your old eyes?
We may not be able to figure out why people see you differently.  Is it because they started to get to know you and once that happens, your facial features seem to etch themselves into their memory.  They might start to take notice of how the sunlight falls on your hair.  The way you smile when you hear something that pokes fun at a private joke nobody else knows.  The way you fold your arms as a way to stop yourself from engaging in an argument with someone.  What things do you notice with your fresh eyes?  


Appreciation, well, it comes and it goes
But I, I'll ride that wave with you
It's human nature to miss what's under your nose
'Til you, 'til you remind a fool

Who will you let ride that wave with you?
Are you that somebody right underneath somebody else's nose?  
We might miss noticing things or people because we're not really looking.  We might take people for granted and always think so little of them, not on purpose, just that you don't see them in a certain way, you see them in a specific way that is confined, constrained and contradictory to what you now find yourself presented with.  It's human nature though right?  What fools need reminding in your life?  You might not even need to remind a fool that explicitly.  Just be who you are and just watch the rest fall into place.  Fools rush in where angels fear to tread . . . 

Maybe all of this is simple

My heart's unconditional, yeah
You dress up just a little and I'm like "Oh . . . damn"

We can often make things more difficult than they need to be.
We think far too much, too often or sometimes even too little about what needs to be done.  
What does it mean to have an unconditional heart?  If you can show people what having an unconditional heart means - it's to be able to forgive when you don't want to, it's to be able to love people when they don't deserve your love.  On the flip side when you look at the official music video for this track, seeing people through fresh eyes means that you should be finding the beauty in others, irrespective of where they come from, what they look like.  I think if we spend more time scratching beneath the surface, we would be able to reveal some rare gems, some gold nuggets of people that we realise that doesn't need dressing up, but just a long, good, look.

If I could bottle this up, bottle, bottle this up, I would

I would bottle this up, bottle, bottle this up, I would
'Cause you're gorgeous in this moment
If I could bottle this up I would . . . 

I hope that you can bottle up your own goodness, greatness, hotness, gee, whatever people start to see in you with their fresh eyes.  We would want to bottle this up because to be able to take around and carry with you that type of beauty, that level of sweetness, the way that bottle can give you some sense of comfort by having it near, it's all human nature.  I encourage you to be gorgeous in every moment that you are in.  You never know who will be watching you with their fresh eyes. . . 

Monday, 3 April 2017

Silent. . .

When you're not meant to be silent. . . 

Do you find yourself quietly seething in the corner of a room or in a meeting where it just seems like nobody is listening to you?  You could potentially lash out at people and have some Ally McBeal moments of crazy spill out of you and take you by surprise, or you can just continue to sit quietly and be completely numb.  You could be devoid of any feeling whatsoever, or find other ways to occupy your time.  If you multitask, you probably do that on a regular basis.  Do you think it has something to do with technology and how everything is just so instant, we need constant instant gratification and we've just lost our ability to patient and just let things be naturally and just let things arrive in their own time anymore?

Wake up in a new day but it don't feel that new
Same faces around me with the same point of view
Everything is perfect, everything's ok
Just swallow the lies and let your emotions fade
But my heart won't be quiet, I feel a change

What if the world had no filter?
There is some real rawness that is refreshing coupled with a sense of freedom in just being completely honest about what you think and feel.  We hide behind these facades of perfection and rarely let people in because we want to maintain the idea that we can keep it together, that we are strong and that we are meant to be the strong ones who can't afford to fall apart.  I think the time for that kind of pretence is over.  Lies don't taste that good after a while anymore.  I'm not even talking about big humungous lies, I'm just talking about the kind of lies that you tell yourself when you start to believe the hype people push on you about hiding your skills, hiding your gifts and hiding your talents.  Why should you let your heart be quiet?  I'm sure there are people out there who would love to hear what songs are in your heart :-)

No more black and white

This life's too colourful, beautiful
Don't know what lies ahead but

It takes a special pair of eyes to see the world the way that God made it.  
Even with all of the disasters, crime, wars, pollution - basically all of the unrest and major issues that stop us from truly connecting with each other as a human race - we must be able to see the colours for what they are.  We might have been taught from an early age to discriminate.  Granted we were not born with it, but later we were definitely taught it.  Everybody has.  Some on more extreme levels than others.  We fear what we do not understand and I think the more you are open to trying to understand people who are different to you, who have had different life experiences and speak different languages to you - it is our job to ensure that this life that is too colourful, remains beautiful.  I refuse to remain silent on that.  I refuse to remain silent on people who want me to remain silent.



I'm ready now, it's time (gotta go, gotta get out of this town)
And leave my fear behind (nothing left for me here can't stick around)
My dreams are loud and my heart's wide awake
And all I know is I'm not meant to be silent

What is the purpose of fear?  It is a feeling that is meant to produce two reactions that we get to choose from - fight or flight.  Have you fought for something that was scary but did it anyway?  Have you escaped from something that was scary and did it anyway?  What actions are you prepared to take?  Never stick around where you don't feel good.  Life is too short to feel bad about who you are were always meant to be, who you were born to become, destined to live.  The more you come to know who you are in this world and what you can do, your capabilities that come with your vision for how you want to live your life - what could be better?  How else can you honour your dreams and see them through?

Wake up to a new voice telling me where to go
It sounds like I got no choice but to keep on this road
Got my own opinion, my own words to say
Got my own visions, so I know I can't stay
There's no looking back now, I feel a change

I hope that you learn to trust your voice that speaks and sings from your heart.
The road that you are on may seem like a long one and fraught with danger, but well, that's because it is.  I think we are all in a constant of change, in a constant state of becoming, but it all comes down to the decisions that you make; whether they will ever be brought to fruition, should you choose them to do so.  When you start to recognise that you can no longer apologise for who you are and that what you have to say is important to advance your people and remind society about their obligations to honouring historical connections, then use your opinions, use your words.  Feel the change and own it.  My dreams are loud and my heart's wide awake, And all I know is I'm not meant to be silent. . . 

Sort of. . .

When you have that sort of, kind of, love. . . 

Baby since you've got the sort of hands to rip me apart
And baby you've got the sort of face to start this old heart
But your eyes are warning me this early morning
That my love's too big for you, my love

Have you ever been in love with someone who just didn't really get why?
Sometimes the little mind games start and you're left wondering why does it have to be this way?
When your love is too big for someone, there could be several reasons for this:
1) They only have enough love for themselves, so don't know how to love you
2) They've never really loved before, so don't know how to love you or
3) They don't know how to love, so wouldn't know how to love you anyway.

Baby you've got the sort of laugh that waters me
And makes me grow tall and strong and proud and flattens me
I find you stunning, but you are running me down
My love's too big for you, my love
My love's too big for you, my love

That duality that exists, when you love someone but they end up hurting you at the same time.
What do you call that sort of, kind of love?  Why do people torture themselves in this way?
Being with that someone, just spending time with them will be enough to brighten your day, and make really challenging or complex situations seem like nothing can get in your way.  Can you be blinded by someone's beauty that your eyes can't hope to see anything else?  If your love is too big for someone, then maybe they don't deserve your love.

And if I was stronger then I would tell you no
And if I was stronger I would leave this show
And if I was stronger then I would up and go
But here I am and here we go again

What does it even mean to be stronger these days?
Doing something that would make you vulnerable and continue to push through it?  Doing something that people wouldn't expect you to do?  Doing something that hurts like hell, but with belief in yourself, it could be the best decision you've ever made?  What are we saying no to?  What show should we be leaving?  If we want to avoid history repeating, what should we be doing?  If you find yourself at this same place again, where do you want to go?  Go again or just go?



Baby you've got the sort of eyes that tell me tales
That your sort of mouth just will not say, the truth impales
That you don't need me, but you won't leave me
My love's too big for you, my love
My love's too big for you, my love

When love is full of contradictions, you have to question whether it is in fact love at all.
How do you deal with someone who doesn't need you but doesn't know how to leave you alone either?  What tales can those eyes hope to tell?  Would you even want to listen to those tales?  I sometimes think that there is a time and place for stories.  You might think that stories are a wonderful way to get a message across without having to spell things out or confront some really difficult and challenging topics.  But what if you had to risk the truth impaling you anyway?  Is it worth the risk?  Is it worth what you need it to be?  I guess if you can acknowledge that your love is too big for the other person, but they can't address it, then maybe you should be the one to see that you don't need them, that you should be able to leave and not worry about a damn thing.

Tell me what to do to take away the you?
Take away the you
Take away the you
Take away the you
Take away the you
Take away the you

It's hard to think about taking you away.  Does it mean removing you from the situation completely or just removing your ego from the situation?  It could mean something as simple as taking away all of the things that remind me of you or just point out those things to you so that you can see? I just think it's as easy as just focusing on what you need to do to get through achieving your own goals.  There's no pressure that needs to be applied here - you can do your own things, live your own life, make your own decisions.  I think this is what it takes to be stronger isn't it?

And if I was stronger then I would tell you no (take away the you)
And if I was stronger I would leave this show (take away the you)
And if I was stronger then I would up and go
But here I am and here we go again

I hope that we all find our strength to do what we need to do to make our lives better.
If you find that you can't concentrate on what you need to do, take some time out and refocus.
Listen to yourself and take into account what it is that you need to achieve, what you would like to be able to say that you have done without anybody else's help.  If you are able to survive and withstand any problems that seem to follow you quite doggedly, then you will soon realise that you are a lot stronger than you think, that you will grow beyond what you ever expected for yourself.  This is what I've realised now that I know my love's too big for you my love. . . 

Remedy. . .

I promise I will be your remedy. . . 

I remember all of the things that I thought I wanted to be
So desperate to find a way out of my world and finally breathe
Right before my eyes I saw, my heart it came to life
This ain't easy it's not meant to be
Every story has its scars

I don't know about you, but we constantly go through phases in our lives, like ebbs and flows of the tide.  We will have our good times and bad times.  We will find that when things seem too hard, we feel compelled to throw in the towel and give up.  We might lose sight of all of the dreams, hopes and aspirations that we thought were flights of fancy, that we thought were just little games that we played in our own minds to try and psyche ourselves up to do things that we never thought possible.  We might find that we collect scars along the way when we try to reach for the stars and fall.  Do you find moments in your life to stop and breathe?  I often think that we feel that we take breathing for granted, and then come to find that we haven't really been breathing properly the entire time.

When the pain cuts you deep
When the night keeps you from sleeping
Just look and you will see
That I will be your remedy
When the world seems so cruel
And your heart makes you feel like a fool
I promise that you will see
That I will be, I will be your remedy

Have you ever offered to be someone's remedy?  You might be the one people come to for reassurance, assurance, for peace of mind, because you know exactly what to say to help them on their way; to restore some faith in them when they have lost all belief in themselves.  Sometimes when people have been knocked down so many times and start to believe the barbs that people aim at them, they start to lose confidence and self esteem because acknowledgement from others takes precedence over their own thoughts and feelings.  When we are tired, under constant pressure, not getting enough rest and trying to be all things to all people - it is easy for us to lay ourselves vulnerable to attacks and snide comments.  Remember the awesome, cool and wonderful things that you do that makes the world beautiful.  Your own, and everybody else's.  Don't lose sight of that.



No river is too wide or too deep for me to swim to you
Come whenever I'll be the shelter that won't let the rain come through
Your love, it is my truth
And I will always love you
Love you

Do you have people in your life that you would do anything for?
I like to think that I am able to provide shelter for people from their problems when they need to every now and then.  The exchange of love between people can be measured in actions, deeds that are mutually expressed and if accepted by each other, it is the kind of truth that will see you through difficult times.  If you know that people need to hear how much you love them, make sure that you let them know.

When the pain cuts you deep
When the night keeps you from sleeping
Just look and you will see
That I will be your remedy
When the world seems so cruel
And your heart makes you feel like a fool
I promise that you will see
That I will be, I will be your remedy

I hope that you will feel less like a fool when it comes to love.
When you need someone to be your remedy, never think that you are a burden to them.
Be prepared to open your eyes and see exactly what it is that you need to do in order to be at ease, to feel love and know that it is worth being a fool over, because who cares what you look like to other people anyway right?  The world will continue to be cruel and test you to your limits, but just know that when someone makes a promise to you, trust that they will be there for you.  I promise that you will see, that I will be, I will be your remedy. . . 

Sunday, 2 April 2017

A million years ago. . .

Remembering life a million years ago. . . 

I only wanted to have fun
Learning to fly, learning to run
I let my heart decide the way
When I was young
Deep down I must have always known
That this would be inevitable
To earn my stripes I'd have to pay
And bear my soul

How refreshing life was back then when you didn't have obligations, duties to fulfil, when the weight of the world wasn't on your shoulders.  When you didn't have people relying on you to do so many things and become forced to consider things through a list of priorities because that's what your life is like now; an endless list of things that need to be done, people that you need to negotiate with and problems that need your special touch of solving.  The stripes that you now wear on your invisible sleeves are the signs of a life that you are no longer allowed to live.  But at least they should be able to show people who know where you have been, what you have done, believe that you are now the hope they have been waiting for.  You can't shirk your responsibilities now, so don't even think of running away.  Everyone else around you has already done that, and you've only just realised that.  The only reason why it's lonely at the top is because people who were supposed to be standing next to you, have deserted you.  But don't feel bad.  You're strong enough to deal with all of that.  You can withstand it all and even take a little more than normal humans can.  Why can you do that anyway?  Something about your soul.  You have always been able to bear it well by, well. . .  baring it.

I know I'm not the only one
Who regrets the things they've done
Sometimes I just feel it's only me
Who can't stand the reflection that they see
I wish I could live a little more
Look up to the sky, not just the floor
I feel like my life is flashing by
And all I can do is watch and cry
I miss the air, I miss my friends
I miss my mother, I miss it when
Life was a party to be thrown
But that was a million years ago

Regrets.  They're tough to deal with, especially when the decision you made has lead you to a situation that you loathe to find yourself in and you start to torture yourself by seeing what life is like if you had made alternative decisions.  When you look up to the sky are you searching the heavens for a divine sign, some kind of answer that would help to alleviate some of the pain that you're going through?  If we all wished that we could live a little more - what quality of life can we expect?  What does living a little more mean?  It could mean taking risks and exploring passions and ideas that you never really considered an option because your mindset or practical reality doesn't allow you to dream.  We probably won't find the answers on the floor will we?  When we look down, we start looking down on ourselves too, look down on the dreams and aspirations that we have and start to wallow in self pity.



When I walk around all of the streets
Where I grew up and found my feet
They can't look me in the eye
It's like they're scared of me
I try to think of things to say
Like a joke or a memory
But they don't recognise me now
In the light of day

I have talked about this often with friends.
I have found observing human behaviour to be quite fascinating.  For example, people that I might have been close with, intensely close with at some point in my life, now, we seem quite distant.  While on the other hand, people that I wasn't really close with when I first met them, are now quickly becoming part of the fabric of my life and I've made room for them.  When we see people in the street, they might very well avoid us and pretend that they don't know us.  I've learned to, over time, with maturity and hindsight being very good motivators, decided to acknowledge people who I know from my past.  Whether it's a smile or a quick word, I think it's important to let people know that yes, you did know them once and that at one point they were important to you, but you might have drifted apart and things are different now.  It's life, it's human nature, it's the way of the world.  If people openly ignore you in the street, approach and kill them with kindness.  It's totally the best approach.

I know I'm not the only one
Who regrets the things they've done
Sometimes I just feel it's only me
Who never became who they thought they'd be
I wish I could live a little more
Look up to the sky, not just the floor
I feel like my life is flashing by
All I can do is watch and cry
I miss the air, I miss my friends
I miss my mother, I miss it when
Life was a party to be thrown
But that was a million years ago
A million years ago


What or who do you miss in your life?
It is important for us to savour moments with people who are nearest and dearest to us, but also to seriously consider, if you could see your life as a film reel or as a picture book, what images or scenes would we expect to see?  I hope that when you are comfortable you are able to throw yourself a party once in a while.  Don't wait for someone else to come along and do things for you and celebrate who you are.  Sometimes you just need to remember that you should be your biggest fan, that you should be aware of the awesome things that you can do in life and that even if people from your past do ignore you, take the initiative and believe in yourself, show them how much you've grown.  We don't need to revert back to our former selves, unsure and self conscious.  Those days are gone.  Believe in the confident and strong person that you are, rather than who people try to avoid.  That's not who you are anymore; that was a million years ago. . . 

Saturday, 1 April 2017

Someone like you. . .

A song with a story after my own heart. . .  about someone like you. . . 

I heard that you're settled down 
That you found a girl and you're married now
I heard that your dreams came true
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you

When you got married, I couldn't come to your wedding.
I was invited, but I couldn't come.  I always found it strange that you wanted me to come to your wedding because I didn't think it was the right thing to do.  But who knows what's right and wrong these days, there's so many blurred lines that you never really know what's what and you never really spend enough time trying to figure things out, or you just think, this is just too hard so I won't spend time trying to figure things out.  You had always talked about being married at a certain age and you suffered heartbreaks of your own.  It is little wonder that you suffered but came out of it, rose from the ashes to understand that yes, you are entitled to real love and could find someone who was willing to give as much love as you were willing to share. . . . someone like you. . .

Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back, or hide from the light

In the time leading up to you getting married, things became strained because it seemed like you didn't know how to have conversations with me anymore, yet conversations were probably the easiest things about our friendship.  Technically you were an old friend, older than me and just coming into your own, particularly when you were starting to talk more about what it meant to be a man and what kind of man you wanted to be.  At that time it felt like I needed to listen carefully and support you in whatever major life decisions you were making, even though I was with someone else.  I found it strange that you felt it easy to disclose everything about you, but I soon discovered it was because your circle of friends didn't really know what you were about, never really knew the real "you" that lurked beneath the surface.  Now when we talk there is some shyness there, and I don't know where that stems from.  I suspect it is because of the history that we had, but I was always a precocious young thing with the emotional maturity you were seeking, but didn't expect to find in someone so young.

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it
I had hoped I'd see your face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over

I'm trying to think about times when I have turned up uninvited to events and you were there.
I'm not sure there were many of those actually.  If I did see your face, it was inevitable you would see mine.  I think over the years, we have been able to develop some kind of happy co-existence that had clear boundaries and nothing personal could ever be shared again.  You still have a book of mine that I wanted to desperately read.  I'm not sure if you still have it, but I don't think that I would ask for it back either.  I sometimes think that when we look at each other, there is a minuscule moment where there is an unspoken connection where we acknowledge there was something there once.  It can never be resurrected and never be talked about again.



Never mind I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I'll remember you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead
Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead"

I emailed you and wished you well for your impending nuptials.
I apologised for not being able to make it and I hoped that you would have a good time and enjoy your new life.  You replied with a lengthy paragraph and even said you wished I was there.
At the time there were expectations from people that I would attend, and then there was genuine surprise from people when they soon realised that I wasn't there.  It's funny isn't it.  You were suffering from a past heartbreak, I was in a relationship that I didn't know was heading anywhere.  At the time, I wasn't sure whether I wanted it to go anywhere in particular, but I'll never forget your reaction when you found out I had finally bit the bullet and ended it.  You said, it's about time, you never really wanted to be with him anyway.  Often you would say that he wasn't right for me anyway, but you never once said that you were right for me, even when your actions said otherwise, and my friends were able to pick up on that.

You know how the time flies
Only yesterday was the time of our lives
We were born and raised
In a summer haze 
Bound by the surprise of our glory days

Running around as thick as thieves during that one summer.
It felt strange to be plunged into your world. You opened the door quite wide and you were quite willing to share all of that with me, someone who was different from the normal set of people you frequented with.  Later you would admit that you didn't know why you felt more comfortable talking to me than you would with them.  I would tell you it was because you had developed this persona of being the man about town and that they all expected you to be the persona that you had cultivated.  That facade you had meticulously built; you couldn't afford to let slip, but would only relax when you were with me.  My friends at the time, thought it was strange that you were open with me and I brushed it off thinking that no, it's not like that, there is nothing happening here.  But I realise now, it was some kind of emotional relationship or deeper connection that we never talked about.

Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes 
They are memories made
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

I hope that you are as happy as you wanted to be.
I don't regret never telling you how I felt about you.  I don't think it was a mistake not to tell you.
I don't know if you regret never telling me how you felt about me.  I don't know if you thought it was a mistake not to tell me.  Thank you for the memories that you made with me, that you shared with me.  Even when life is bittersweet because of what we were never able to ultimately share, sometimes you don't need to taste it fully to know that it's either bitter or sweet, as it's never really either or, it's a little bit of both.  Thank you for all of those glory days.  They have formed some of the greatest times I have ever had in my life.  What isn't over for me?  Remembering a time when things seemed so full of possibility and opportunity.  I'm happy if you're happy.  Don't worry about me.  I'm living my best life right now.  It's more than I ever thought possible considering the circumstances.  You worry that I won't find someone to care for me and make me the centre of his world.  Never mind, I'll find someone like you . . .