Monday, 30 October 2017

Rose colored boy. . .

Low key no pressure, just hang with me and my weather. . . 

Rose colored boy
I hear you making all that noise
About the world you want to see
And oh, I'm so annoyed 
'Cause I just killed off what was left of the optimist in me

Life will throw so much at you and you have to make some tough decisions.
You have to decide whether you will take it all lying down or you stand up and pick up what gets thrown at you and hurl it back.  If you've played King Dodge or Dodge Ball as a kid for gym class or physical education - you know exactly what I'm talking about.  I can still visualise those round red rubber balls, just a bit bigger than the circumference of our pre-pubescent pelvis' - that were often deliberately or accidentally stung by said rubber balls.  Is this how you live life?  Running around trying to avoid being hit by these rubber balls, or do you try and catch them on the full and throw them back?  There will be some that you can easily avoid, but you have to take courage, take that chance and grab hold, fling it back in the faces of those who seek to continually oppress you.
I had to break it, the wars are raging on
And I have taken my glasses off
You got me nervous
I'm right at the end of my rope
A half empty girl
Don't make me laugh, I'll choke

People will mean well when they try to offer you some advice - but sometimes it misses the mark.
They don't understand that they shouldn't be comparing their first world problems with yours, because if they knew what your life was like - they wouldn't try to seek to comfort you by belittling your crises with insignificantly way-off examples of empathy that just piss you off even more.  So they should be prepared when you get snappy and tell you to just not to do things, to walk away from things.  Because in all honesty, while you're busy fixing their lives and getting drawn into all of the things that take up your headspace, energy and at its worst - even your will to live - hopefully they will realise that they are responsible for you being the half empty girl that is standing in front of them.

Just let me cry a little bit longer
I ain't gon' smile if I don't want to
Hey man, we can't be like you
I wish we were all rose colored too
My rose colored boy

Crying is not a sign of weakness.
If you are upset about something and you can't afford to be angry and go throwing chairs around the room (I've heard that helps sometimes) then you have to find some other ways to exercise that cathartic release.  We can't all be like perennially rose coloured people, and sometimes it isn't as simple as looking at the bright side as well.  Sometimes we need to stay in the funk for a little bit - not too long mind you - just enough so that we start to understand what it means to be grateful for people and things in our lives that bring us both blessings and pain - because we can't have the good without the bad.  It's how we react to the bad that pushes us to create some solutions  - or rather some pathways - to move forward.



I want you to stop insisting that I'm not a lost cause
'Cause I've been through a lot
Really all I've got is just to stay pissed off
If it's all right by you

There is nothing worse than someone telling you what to do.
For me it's when people try to tell you how to feel.  That's the absolute worst.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone said - don't be mad, don't be angry, don't be like that, you shouldn't feel that way - I would be a millionaire.  There is nothing more irritating than someone who doesn't understand how you feel - telling you how you should feel.  To these people I say - step back thanks.  Nobody asked for your five cents.  These types of people who feel entitled to offer their opinions about your feelings should be told to leave you alone. Such people though, are almost always the same people who can't even sort out their own damn feelings - so why have the nerve to tell you how to feel?  Smh.  I say, if you want to stay mad about something or someone - stay mad long enough to help you push through to a breakthrough.  If you stay too long, that only opens the door to another pathway that leads to destruction and you might not be able to recover from that.  So choose wisely.  Know yourself enough when to pull yourself from the brink.  Stay away from people who think they know you better than you do.  Chances are - these people are partly responsible for pissing you off in the first place. Ha!

Leave me here a little bit longer
I think I wanna stay in the car 
I don't want anyone seeing me cry now
You say "We gotta look on the bright side"
I say "Well maybe if you wanna go blind"
You say my eyes are getting too dark now
But boy, you ain't never seen my mind

I hope that you are able to give people space who need it the most.  Have a think about how much you can support someone through their crises (yes, as they might be multiple, but you don't even know) and just be a good friend that way.  If you can take care of your own business and can pull yourself together, then maybe they might be prepared to accept from you, being low key no pressure, just hang with me and my weather. . . 

Tuesday, 24 October 2017

Bring mana to your name. . .

Will our memory live on?. . . 

We each have a name given to us
One we must protect 
And they will leave a legacy
Of values we hope are kept
A memory of who we were
Who we belong to and what we lived for
And when we are all gone
Will our memory live on?

This is my 1000th blog post on the homepage of my blog.
I had been mindful of this milestone for a while (probably the last ten blog posts building up to this) and I hadn't decided for sure what the track would be. I only found this particular track a few days ago and knew that this would be the one.  In light of recent events, this song has now come to mean so much more than I could have imagined.  I believe that I am very lucky when I think about the familial connections on both sides of my family.  I am very lucky that I have had access to both my parents together with the learning that comes from generations of knowledge and values that we must continue to uphold.  The hope is that regardless of where we go to in our lives, that we never forget what we carry inside of us, who we carry on our shoulders as progress through achievements and excel at every turn.  I would like to think that we teach the next generation what we believe is important to hold onto, to sustain a future that allows others to build on and extend from our vision.

What I do with this name is up to me
Will I honour my name and my family?
Oh you can decide now
We can make our tupuna proud

Will you make the right decisions to honour yourself and your family?
If you have not been taught the value of responsibility in being a knowledge holder, you can be forgiven for thinking that you do hold an important position in your family.  Far from it.  Everyone has their part to play in order for you to learn, and wade your through until you reach a point where you no longer learn, but just experience the fruits of all the labour that you have put in.  You might start to ask yourself, how will you know if you bring honour to yourself, your family or your tupuna?  We forget that the works that we produce with our hands, have ways of traveling, whether they continue to bear fruit for other people to enjoy, or provide seeds that others can plant once they have learned what you have had to teach.  Your tupuna will visit you in your dreams. to make sure that you know whether you have made them proud, or at least be aware of what your destiny is.  

Kia tiakina to ingoa
In all of your days
Be true to your name
Kia tiakina to ingoa
Don't be afraid (don't be afraid)
Stand up and bring mana to your name

How can you be true to your name?
The most authentic thing about you will be your name.
In Pacific cultures we value our names quite highly because you will most likely be named after someone, whose name is gifted to you because there is an intent that you carry the qualities of that ancestor.  I like to think that when families are consulted about prospective names for newborn children, they consider which ancestor's traits are missing within the family - and they agree on a name.  This can be true for when the name has been gifted to you, and it has been given to you because you have a role to fulfil within your family and wider community.  


(We live), We live in a world of fear and sorrow
(Let's join),  Let's join the fight for a brighter tomorrow
(Let us) Let's bring strength to our name
Don't be discouraged, don't be ashamed
(If we), If we just reached up to our fallen brother
(And he), And he will learn to reach out to another
Strong and true to our name
(That's why) Together we can make a change
We can decide now, can make our family proud

I can't help but think that with the change of government in Aotearoa, this song is a great way to think about what legacy political parties want to leave behind, what MMP - the electoral system we abide by in this country can be used in a way to benefit the most vulnerable of our society.  The last government bragged about the strong economic growth of our nation, but it was done at the expense of those in our society who needed protection the most.  A brighter tomorrow needs to be one in which people can help to support each other and learn how to collectively strong together.  Why would you want to subject people who are less fortunate to sanctions that continue to put them into further poverty.  Education is the one area in which those who are considered from the lower socio-economic section of society - can rise above their perceived position.  (I should know, I'm a product of a system that I wasn't supposed to be successful in).  The irony of being seen as a success in mainstream society in my country is that people that I am meant to represent, are always seen negatively.  The stereotypes don't do us justice at all.  We can use our names as vehicles to allow us to stand strong.

Kia tiakina to ingoa
In all of your days
Be true to your name
Kia tiakina to ingoa
Don't be afraid
Stand up and bring mana to your name
Mana to your name

It is very easy to be subsumed into larger parts of society and classify people like me as belonging to places that label me as lazy, ignorant and uneducated because of my skin colour.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  Is this what it means for us to be true to our name?  Even those who are of mixed heritages and may accidentally be classified as enjoying the benefits of white privilege, being the lighter shade of tan, chocolate, cinnamon, umber, burnt umber even - should we continue to be afraid and stuck in places that do not accept us whichever way we might turn?  

Kia tiakina to ingoa
Don't be afraid
Stand up and bring mana to your name

I hope you take into consideration what your actions do and how your thoughts translate into actions.  We live in terrible times right now.  I use the word terrible to mean things being extremely serious - where things that we thought would be preposterous, suddenly don't seem to be anymore.  Our current normal was once thought to be that of fantasy and fiction, but yet, here we are.  There is no time to be wasted being afraid of what we cannot control.  We also cannot stand by and allow terrible things to happen that could also be prevented.  What if people are misinterpreting what bringing mana to their names actually means?  Mana is defined as as a Polynesian, Melanesian and Māori belief meaning an impersonal supernatural power that can be transmitted or inherited.  I question the use of the word impersonal, because I think mana is most certainly the complete opposite of impersonal.  How will you choose to transmit mana?  How will you take the mana that you have inherited and make your family proud?  It doesn't matter where we are, what journeys that we are on - just make sure that you stand up and bring mana to your name. . . 

Monday, 23 October 2017

More than one of you. . . .

This blog post is for Austin Mason 
Thanks for sharing this song with me. . . 

Make it level
Don't misunderstand
Make it level
On the other hand

Trying to understand where you fit into the scheme of things comes from a place in trying to understand your relational self.  I've been seeing this pop up every now and again in the research literature I've been reading and I guess it's something that's fascinated me for a while, particularly when I was teaching and now that I'm involved in working with principals, senior leaders and teachers in schools.  There are three types of selves: individual self, collective self and relational self.  The toughest to try and work through is of course, the individual self, because it forces you to take a long hard look in the mirror, to really examine who you are, what it is that you know about your sense of self, and whether what you know about yourself can be transferred into how you contribute to your respective collective self, where you learn to be part of a group and relational self, how you connect with significant others in interactions that require you to participate.  How do you make it level?

Every age is a different colour
Deeper for the memory of the sun

When you think about the significant periods of your life and how quickly things change or people change, you would probably be able to see things in different colours, in different hues.  Things could become brighter and provide more contrast, or they become more dull and fade in the harsh light of the sun.  What memories will the sun hold of your significant times?  You might even argue that no, there hasn't really been any significant times to be honest.  You keep expecting the other shoe to drop, for some calamity and disaster to take hold and ruin everything that you are trying to plan - so what do you do?  You shut down and then stop planning anything anymore.  We find that it is much easier to just let things fall away and never understand that we have a chance to live our best lives, should we choose.

If you want to take your place
Find a present everyday
If you want to answer yes
We don't have to double guess

Our indecision to commit to things, to ourselves in our journey means that we don't really want to do anything meaningful with our lives.  We might want to live a life without pressure or pain, but that would mean that you would live an unexamined life.  I'm not saying that life should be a series of trials, exams or pressure tests, but I would like to think that people would try to find the goodness that exists in their life - and produce more of that to help them move into the future.  If you want to pursue something that is worth doing - and you want to say yes to it - go and get it.  There are too many barriers that we construct for ourselves as excuses to getting to where we need to be.  We shouldn't be comparing us to our peers or people that we admire - granted they make for great role models - so appreciate them in that way.  Don't hate other people who are genuinely doing what they do for themselves.  I'm pretty sure people don't wake up and think - right, today I'm going to piss off so-and-so and post it all over social media so I can gloat about being who I am.  Gees. Really.  Is that what we're doing today?  It comes to intentions.  If they are clear and genuine, nobody would have to double guess about you, double guess what you do.  Instead of talking about it behind your back - they would approach you and just ask.

There is more than one of you
But only one of them is true

In Japanese culture they talk about this notion of omote (the public face) and ura (the private face).  Everybody practises this. There's no point in denying it. We exercise this all the time when we host people at events in our home or at public functions where we want to present our best, show our hospitality and use that as opportunities to put our best foot forward.  This is when we choose to show our omote - the public face, the image that we want people to see.  The ura or private face is the actual reality of our lives.  It focuses on the myths and lies being stripped away and we are laid bare.  Think of it like all the skin care commercials that we've grown up with over the years - when all of the makeup and gunk from the day comes off and you are left with your bare face, where the honesty seems to be easier to see.



Make it level (make it level)
When you take a breath
Make it level (make it level)
There is enough time left

It might take you a while to figure out how to make it level.
We get so impatient trying to get to our goals, or to try and find some goals to live by, that we don't take the time to breathe.  When was the last time that you took the time, to take a big long deep breath?  We need to be more mindful these days you know.  Take the time to listen to yourself as you breathe in, listen to the sound you make as you inhale slowly.  Hold your breath and listen for the stillness around you.  Then release that breath slowly back into the air around you.  There is enough time left to practice taking such breaths.  We need to just pause for a moment, and connect with our surroundings and know where we are in the moment. 

If you want to take your place
Find a present everyday
If you want to answer yes
She'll follow you right into bed

How do you want to take your place?
You might have to figure out where your place is.  Too many things might have gone by, might have happened to steal your confidence in your decision making.  Do you even know where your place is?  There might be people who want to oust you out of a place that someone else has afforded you.  Sometimes you don't ask for special treatment, in whatever way possible.  You're just being yourself and it makes people suspicious of your motives, or they make up things in their head that don't even exist.  But that is entirely possible right?  Someone would only blindly follow you somewhere because you weren't completely honest.  You might have made promises that were far outside the scope of your actual capabilities.  Why did you switch into build ups mode?  Who wants that person to turn up.  Nobody.  That's who.

But there is more than one of you
But only one of them is true

If you really think about it, you do have to question whether there is even a true side to yourself.
There are so many facades of you that nobody really knows which one is real, which one is meant for them and which one you were sucked into, in the first place.  So what now?  Be selective about which one of you that you want to put forward.  Which one do you feel comfortable looking at in the mirror?  Which one is the most accurate representation of you?  Which one is the one that you are most proud to show the world?

Running around her
Knowing that 
There is more than one of you
But only one of them is true
Only one of them is true
Only one of them is you

I hope that you realise that you don't need to run around anyone.
You can acknowledge all the different types of you that exist, and decide which one you want to be.
Be around people that ensure that you don't have to keep showing those different sides of you that are the furthest away from your authentic self, the furthest away from the person you actually are.  If you have to pretend so much and try to please people all the time, you are not really living your best life.  Know which people in your life value you, value what skills you have that make you unique.  Make time for people that know not just one side of you, but know all that there is about more than one of you. . . 

Sunday, 22 October 2017

You don't do it for me anymore. . .

So don't hate me when I say. . . 

I see the future without you
What the hell was I doing in the past
A love just like ours wouldn't last
I won't fall for your games
So don't hate me when I say

The more you learn about yourself, the more you start realising a few things.
Are you clear about who you see a future with?  Granted you can't really predict who you will surround yourself with and who the important people should be (they might be there right now or not).  If you're someone who has been constantly dragged into other people's games and played the fixer, like you're some kind of Olivia Pope (without the scandal) then you'll understand perfectly where I'm coming from (or at least what this blog post is about).

That you don't do it for me anymore
No you don't do it for me anymore

When someone doesn't "do it" for you anymore, you might want to be clear about what they actually "did" for you that makes you think that it's not worth doing.  Whatever stuff you were expecting to get from people to fill the void in your life, you have to start to question things about yourself.  Why do you have to rely on others to get what you need to instil for yourself?  The biggest thing is definitely around self esteem. I remember watching a comedy show by Katt Williams once and one thing he said about self esteem.  It's that joke where a woman blames a man for destroying her self esteem :

Woman: You f***ed up my self esteem!
Man: Bitch, it's called self esteem. It's the esteems of ya mutha f***in self bitch! How did I f*** up how you feel about YOU!

Despite profanity (which don't get me wrong, sometimes when you're really angry about something, it's always easier to just let it rip with a couple of curse words to get the emphatic meaning of your intention across without any misinterpretation), it's the last line of that joke that gets me every time.  How did I f*** up how you feel about YOU! The only reason we allow our self esteem to be diminished by others - is if we allow them to do so.

Money won't pay for your problems
You gotta fix them yourself
Vices and pity won't solve them
Stop feeling for bad for yourself
I won't fall for your games
So don't hate me when I say

I have probably written so much on this topic before, particularly when someone always expects you to fix their problems (that they created - you didn't create them) because you're just good at fixing things and making their situation better.  If you are doing this for someone - who continually keeps doing it, making the same mistakes, asks you for advice and doesn't take it, but still repeats those same mistakes (you've lost count how many times), then that makes them an askhole.  These people should stop asking for help - when obviously they don't know how to fix themselves - or clearly don't want to, because you will always be there to fix it.



That you don't do it for me anymore
No you don't do it for me anymore

You should also be at a point now where you are also sick of trying to fix things for the other people in the equation who also want help, but then they really don't.  It's not the askholes, but the other parties who want to be featured quite prominently in the askhole's life, when in actual fact, they have a life of their own - so we're talking about cake-eaters here - those who want their cake and eat it too, but there are gluttonous cake-eaters - who are the next level and eat other people's cakes as well.  This sense of insatiable appetite from an identified cake-eater is someone that you want to avoid.  That gluttonous cake-eater has no idea that they have a problem and continue to build their self esteems by stealing other people's as well (I know, gifted right?) to fuel their insatiable appetite and gluttonous behaviour.  So, askholes, cake-eaters and gluttonous cake-eaters are people that should most definitely not, do it for you anymore.

I'm not sorry for honesty I could not bear
To lie to, to lie with you
I'm not sorry
When I lie with you

There are other minor characters that are attached to the scenarios for these askholes, cake-eaters and gluttonous cake-eaters - but they aren't really worth mentioning unless they become a huge feature of the real life drama that you find yourself co-starring in.  I had a good conversation with an old friend who now lives in Australia and we talked at length about people and how we interact with each other.  He talked a lot about the idea of healthy cynicism and asked me if there is such a thing.  I replied - sure there is, it's called skepticism.  He laughed about that.

You don't do it for me anymore
No you don't do it for me 
Don't do it for me

I hope that you know what you need to do with your life.
We need to focus less on what we can do for others and what others can do for us.
We must instead focus on what we need to do for ourselves in order to make a positive impact on people and collaborate together in a more meaningful and healthy way - for all involved.  We shouldn't be relying on others to do it for us anymore.  We must do it for ourselves and as hard as that might seem for the time being, it is something that you must prioritise and learn if you are to reach your full potential - not someone else's potential - your full potential.  Otherwise what's the point in living?  We are born for a specific purpose, to live a specific destiny that brings specific impact to those who need our light the most.  So learn to recognise what you do for yourself.  Because I certainly will not be holding onto people who don't do it for me anymore. . . 

Thursday, 19 October 2017

A woman's worth. . .

This blog post is dedicated to Sophie Kaulima - know your worth!

You could buy me diamonds
You could buy me pearls
Take me on a cruise around the world
(Baby you know I'm worth it)
Dinner lit by candles
Run my bubble bath
Make love tenderly to last, to last
('Cause baby you know I'm worth it)

As I write this I've just finished having a bubble bath myself haha.
All of the trappings (i.e. gifts) that a man gives you to show his love.  Count the ways he expresses how he feels by the actions he takes.  What does he need to do to prove to you that you are worth it.  Is you worth defined by what he gives you?  What you do for him?  I'm a fan of Alicia Keys.  I'm probably not as a big a fan as my friend Kerry who obsesses about her.  I did fall in love with her debut album where this song hails from.  It was just such a good mix of songs that taught women how to just enjoy being women and not to apologise for it.

Wanna please wanna keep wanna treat your woman right
Not just dough but to show that you know she is worth your time
You will lose if you choose to refuse to put her first
She will if she can find a man who knows her worth

If you aren't being treated right by your man, will you go and seek other men who will?
Spending time together is important and you quickly know when that time makes you feel good about each other, about a future together that will be spent growing old together, or about a future filled with uncertainty and second guessing yourself - whether you've made a great decision about being with him.  What would you do if you aren't being put first?  The best thing someone can spend on you - is time.  It just isn't reciprocal when a man steals your time and demands it of you, when you barely have any time for yourself. 

'Cause a real man knows a real wom' when he sees her
And a real woman knows a real man ain't afraid to please her
And a real woman knows a real man always comes first
And a real man just can't deny a woman's worth

How does he know that?  Do real individual recognise each other's realness?
That expected reciprocity is something that you think is quite common - but sometimes we can't see.
We don't realise (until it's too late) that there are other people who see the worst in us and still care regardless, or see the best in us, when there is nothing of the sort to be had.  If a real man is put first by a real woman, why can't he do that same?  What can he possibly do that would be pleasing?  Apart from the painfully obvious, is there anything else? 


If you treat me fairly
I'll give you all my goods 
Treat me like a real woman should
Baby I know you're worth it
If you never play me
Promise not to bluff
I'll hold you down when shit gets rough
'Cause baby I know you're worth it

Be careful who you shared your goods with. 
There isn't the same level of loyalty as there once was.  You can have platonic friends who swear black and blue to defend you and do what needs to be done, but whether that actually happens - that remains to be seen.  Is this all tied up in this crazy notion of knowing what a woman's worth is?  Who got to decide that anyway?  What if the woman doesn't know what she's worth? What if she didn't know that despite all her best efforts and willingness to save the world (and their first world problems) that she had compromised a bit of herself, lost a bit of herself along the way?  Would anyone remember to pick up those scattered remnants in her wake and deliver them to their rightful owner?

She walks the mile makes you smile all the while being true
Don't take for granted the passions that she has for you
You will lose if you choose to refuse to put her first
She will if she can find a man who knows her worth

If you have a good woman in your life, respect her.
It's too easy to take people for granted and think that they will always be there to support you because that's what you have known them to be in your life - the one with all the answers, to take you through the storms that you refuse to go through to get to the other side - so she bears the brunt of it all.  If you lose her, not only because you've not chosen to put her first, but even more basic than that - just refused to really acknowledge how the little things in life see easy to get through, because she holds down the big things - don't forget that.  I don't necessarily agree that she will have to find another man to recognise her worth though.  She can just look in the mirror for self validation.  The moment we have to keep seeking approval from others to validate who we are as people, because we can't value ourselves - that shows how little self esteem we really possess.  Things to work on I suppose.  The struggle is real, and it's a daily struggle.  This track makes me think that if you have a mutual understanding about where you stand - and that involves mutual respect - then you're going to ok, more than ok. 

No need to read between the lines spelled out for you (spelled out for you)
Just hear this song cause you can't go wrong when you value (better value)
A woman (woman's) 
Woman (woman's)
Worth!

I hope that you don't have to read between the lines too often.
How many times do you have to be subtle about things before you just give up all pretence at niceties and just call people out for the smack talk that they do and the fabrication of lies that they have built for themselves?  I guess what Ellen Degeneres - although plain and simple - is actually quite right.  Be kind to one another.  If you can get that right - you will be well on the way to understanding what you need to do in order to know a woman's worth. . . 

Wednesday, 18 October 2017

Wish I didn't miss you . . .

Waiting for love to walk through the door. . .

Oh yeah
Same old story back again
She's not a lover, she's just a friend
I'm sick and tired for you to blame on me
Now you think it's funny
Now you want to spend your money on girls
But you forgot when you were down
That I was around

I've had this idea for a while about my blog where I would write back to back blog posts about songs that had connections, most particular, those that had connections through sampling.  My previous blog post was about the track Back stabbers by The O'Jays.  Today's blog post focuses on the track Wish I didn't miss you by Angie Stone.  She samples the opening introduction of Back stabbers and I love what she did with the song where she added vocal layers over the top to dance along with the rhythm section.  Another similarity with the previous track is the way in which a story weaves itself through the song.  You quickly keep track of all the things that the other person has done, just as they will probably do to you.  How will you be able to argue your way out of the full scale war that you have unknowingly initiated.  What you thought was funny and amusing to you, is suddenly not very funny or amusing. 

Call my lover, hang up, call again
What in the world is happening
Listen in, but don't yell at me
Isn't it ironic, all you want to do is smoke chronic
Boy, you forgot when you were down
Who was around

Do you have these types of interactions in your current relationships?
You tend to bring up the past in arguments and completely forget to stay focused on what got you mad in the first place.  We do that don't we when we argue?  It's like when you're in the heat of argument, you have your treasure chest behind you and when they fling accusations at you, the natural inclination is to open the chest and retaliate with your arsenal of weapons or things they had wronged you, just to take some life out of them.  This is what happens when we fight though.  We want to win arguments and want to be in control of situations that doesn't warrant a win or control.  But instead we should be seeking a common understanding that respects the differences of opinion - and find a way ahead, to move forward and live a meaningful life.

I can't eat, I can't sleep anymore
Waiting for love to walk through the door
I wish I didn't miss you anymore

Why would you lose your appetite or lose sleep?
It's because you constantly think about the same things that never have any natural resolution.
You torture yourself with thoughts of paranoia, about things that you think happened, did happen, never happened.  There are so many lies that you've lost track of what was real, what was genuine and what was taken out of context.  I am becoming increasingly irritated at myself with my own weaknesses and being nice to people who haven't been particularly nice.  I don't wish to retaliate either because that's not really in my nature.  I believe that they will be dealt with when the time comes.


Memories don't live like people do
I'm sick for ever believing you
Wish you'd bring back the man I knew
Was good to me, oh Lord
Every time you say you're coming
Boy, you disappoint me, honey
How well you forget when you were down
I was around

When is the best time to stop believing people?
Pretty soon you realise if you started confronting people about anything and everything they've done, there would be nobody left to talk to.  When people change and they do change, because that's the only thing that's constant right is change - people, things, places - everything that you think you know for certain suddenly transforms and it takes a while for your eyes to become accustomed again to recognise objects that you took for granted, objects that seem to have changed shape when you weren't looking at it in the right way.  How are those memories looking? 

One of these days it's gonna happen to you
Missing a love like I'm missing you, babe yeah yeah
One of these days, when your dreams come true
That's the one that's gonna do it to you
Oh oh oh, yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah

There is a vicious cycle that plays in this way that draws people in and makes them think that they become the spoke in that wheel keeping it all together, that the bicycle revolves around them and keeps everything in motion.  Once you are removed from the equation, you find that the rider always knew how to travel without you, could get off the bicycle and find alternative means of transportation.  When a dream comes true, has it evolved from a nightmare?  How can something transform from something dark and disgusting into something full of light and appealing?  We learn to train ourselves to know the difference and ascertain how things really are. We must be careful to understand what we think we miss and what is actually missing us.  Which is the blessing and which is the curse?

I can't eat, I can't sleep anymore
Waiting for love to walk through that door
I wish I didn't miss you anymore. . . 

I hope you figure out ways to stop missing people who don't miss you.
Learn how to eat your favourite food again, use some sleep inducing means to help you relax and become less anxious, because dammit, you deserve some sleep.  I don't wait for love to walk through that door again, because that door is shut.  I'm quite happy to walk through the door myself and just do what I need to do.  People need to understand that they don't need to be defined by a partner, I should know, I was married once. As much as I miss him, I know he wouldn't want me to be sad - because he said so. Therefore if my late husband was intent on my happiness, and I continually come across people who don't deserve me missing them, they will know now, I am done with disappointment.  Because if they didn't know then, they will definitely know now - that there's no longer any need for me to say I wish I didn't miss you anymore. . . 

Tuesday, 17 October 2017

Back stabbers. . .

What they do! . . . . 

All the time they want to take your place
The back stabbers (back stabbers)
(They smile in your face)
All the time they want to take your place
The back stabbers (the back stabbers)

I love songs that tell stories in their music.
I find this song quite funny because it's a dance song but you wouldn't see it as a topic to be dancing about - talking about people who talk about you behind your back or appear to be fake in front of your face.  Do you know many people who pretend to smile in your face, or actually do smile in your face but you know those smiles could just as easily slip from their faces?  Why do people want to take your place?  Do they think that living your life is much easier or better than their own?  Your biggest back stabbers may be people who don't really know you at all, or it could be people that know the most about you but you have been enjoyed being disingenuous lately.  I guess when you choose not to tell people how much you actually know about them, it depends doesn't it?  If you choose not to say anything it's because you don't want to blow the whistle on them or see little point in doing so.

All you fellows who have someone and you really care, yeah, yeah
Then it's all you fellows who better beware yeah, yeah
Somebody's out to get your lady
A few of your buddies sure look shady 
Blades are long, clenched tight in their fist
Aimin' straight at your back
And I don't think they'll miss
(What they do!)

The story line of this song intrigues me.
It makes out that his friends are all after his lady, but what if it wasn't what it appeared to be?
What if the lady wasn't as innocent as she appeared to be?  Maybe the buddies are shady because yes, their intentions are shady, but there is not much said about whether the lady isn't receptive to the attention that has paid to her.  What if you foil their attempts to get your lady?  What if you confront them for backstabbing you - what happens next?  You should become more discerning at recognising what shady people look like.  It might be hard to see that maybe people keep their shadiness on the inside, which is why it can sometimes be hard to see it on their exterior.  How clever some people are.


(They smile in your face)
All the time they want to take your place
The back stabbers (the back stabbers)
I keep gettin' all these visits from my friends, yeah what they doin' to me
They come to my house again and again and again and again, yeah
So they are there to see my woman
I don't even be home but they just keep comin'
What can I do to get on the right track
I wish they'd take some of these knives off my back

Be careful of who comes to call.
Are you aware of people who constantly try to bring themselves to your house?  Your house doesn't necessarily need to mean your actual house, but to other places that you call home - including your mind, your heart, your body and your soul.  Those places that you hold dear to yourself that you may unwittingly open up to others, but they mistreat you.  It is no wonder that they will try to come to your house again and again (five times in the song) in the hope that they will be able to figure out how to replicate those feelings of being at home  - in their own home.  What can you do to banish unwelcome people from your home - even if they are people that you might have let in previously?  You could call them round and give them their knives back, if you've figured out how to take them out of your back.  It takes some great skill to do that, but once you realise what's important - stay true.

(They smile in your face)
All the time they want to take your place
The back stabbers (the back stabbers)
Low down dirty 
(What they do!)
(They smile in your face)
Smiling face. . . smiling faces sometimes tell lies (back stabbers)
(They smile in your face)
I don't need low down dirty bastards (back stabbers)

I hope that you can wipe those smiles off their faces.
Or if you like, you have a smile of your own to match those taunting smiles. 
I guess it comes down to the kind of smile that they have when they're smiling in your face. 
You can decide for yourself how much of what they do, that you want to accept or hold them to account.  You can learn from the low down dirty tricks that people have tried to play on you, or you can choose to walk away from those tricks and refocus on what you need to do.  It may not feel like it right now, but there will come a time when that smile on your face will be genuine and at peace with what you are finally doing with your life.  If you are going to live your best life, there is definitely no room in that best life of yours for back stabbers. . . .

Monday, 16 October 2017

Sour times. . .

End the vows no need to lie. . . 

To pretend no one can find
The fallacies of morning rose 
Forbidden fruit, hidden eyes
Courtesies that I despise in me
Take a ride, take a shot now
'Cause nobody loves me
It's true
Not like you do

What do you despise in you?
There will be times when you need to fix the darkness that lies inside you, especially when it threatens to consume others around you.  It may be difficult to tell people what is really on your mind because they don't understand you, can't really see what you see, and will most likely never really be able to handle what is on your plate.  You can avert your glances all you like and try to avoid people because there isn't anything that you could possibly hope to share that is worthwhile.  When change arrives at your doorstep, you can't help but chuckle at people rushing around trying to be something they're not, or spending time trying to fool others about what is really going on.  Why do we do this?  Why do we try to keep up appearances when we shouldn't really worry about things that we should've learned to live without? 

Covered by the blind belief
That the fantasies of sinful screens
Bear the facts, assume the dye
End the vows no need to lie, enjoy
Take a ride, take a shot now
'Cause nobody loves me
It's true 
Not like you do 

The games of pretence may be all that you know, so it's understandable that you can't move away.
How much longer are you prepared to be used by people who claim that they care for you?
There are only so many apologies that you can wait for that never come.  There are only so many apologies that you hear uttered that mean anything if the mistakes keep being made.  There are only so many apologies that you tell yourself, for your own ears to accept, because you tell yourself that you won't do those things again, you have a sense of pride in how you would like to think you conduct yourself - so you might as well take that shot now.  What effect does it have on you?


Who am I, what and why
'Cause all I have left is my memories of yesterday
Oh these sour times
'Cause nobody loves me
It's true
Not like you do

The thing about sour times is that you can make sure that you get through them, acknowledge that they have happened and make sure that you don't go through these times again.  You can also make sure that you say what needs to be said so that these times don't pay you another visit.  We all need to learn lessons that make us believe what it is we need to say because if we don't say them, when will we?  What memories of yesterday are good ones?  Bad ones?  Never-mind ones?  If we no longer know who we are because we keep repeating those memories, then these are sour times indeed.

After time the bitter taste
Of innocence descent or race
Scattered seeds, buried lives
Mysteries of our disguise revolve
Circumstance will decide
'Cause nobody loves me
It's true
Not like you do

I hope that you find yourself in a hurry to do what needs to get done.
What seeds will you scatter? What lives will you bury?  Will you allow circumstance to decide for you?  I guess what I'm saying is that you shouldn't feel that you have to put on your disguise anymore, that you should be shrouding yourself in mysteries anymore.  I'm not saying that people need to know anything and everything about you either - they will never know such things about me - not for want of trying, but more so because they don't bother to ask the right questions.  What times are we living in?  Oh these sour times. . . 

Sunday, 15 October 2017

Nothing to no one. . .

So close, while I fall apart. . . 

I am aiding, I go in, no fading
'Til your eyes close before you love
They say it's tragic, turnings come to plastic
Closest thing to magic, watching you become
My light, my dark, my everything

There is only so much you can do before you can reach breaking point.
You will have people surround you and tell you how much you mean to them and how much their life is so much better with you in it.  Yet they continue to make the same mistakes that take them down pathways that they constantly tell you that they don't want to go on.  So why do they lie about it?  Have they appointed you as some kind of monitor to keep them on the straight and narrow because they can't trust themselves to do it?  Stuff that.  If you're an adult and they're an adult - then they should be able to sort that out for themselves.  It should be the times where they have deliberately not been able to do a damn thing because life has dealt them lemons that you can help them make the lemonade, not, they've deliberately gone around shaking the damn lemon trees and then expect you to pick up some off the ground for them to make lemonade.  Why do people persist in looking for trouble in this way?  If life deals you the same situations and scenarios - make better decisions dumbo - obviously you're making the wrong choices every. single. time.

Yeah, I bleed just like everyone
But I feed off a different one
I'm built all of broken bone
I am nothing to no one
Will your ghost stay here in the dark?
So close, while I fall apart
When you go, I will keep your heart
I am nothing to no one but you

If you are a strong person, it's because you've had to be.
It's sooooo easy to fall apart and let other people pick up your mess.  I totally understand this is why rich people would want to employ cleaners, maids, domestic staff to take care of menial tasks that they feel that they can't or won't be bothered to take care of for themselves.  This suggests that rich people have more important things to do - like helping others and making the world a better place.  Not necessarily.  Some might be more interested in making more money to keep them in the lifestyle that they have become accustomed or ruining other people's lives so that they can go without, in order to build their empires.  Others might have found the balance between making money and giving it away so that their wealth can contribute to other people's wealth in some way.  This is how we can sustain a healthy environment that celebrates equity and social justice.



Lately, deeper in your dowry
Eerie (irie) like your starry song that came to mind
I feel the glass door quicker and the white snow
Back into the shadows, back into another life

So what will do you do?  Go back into the shadows and back into another life?
What kind of life is that necessarily?
One without drama and someone forcing their lemons on you.
Even if you are someone that is really good at making lemonade, does that mean you should actually make it?  What exchanges have been made in the past to get us to this point?  Crafting moments of trust and shared experiences may lead you to think that there are alliances that can never be broken.  But you should never discount the fact that alliances can be tested, twisted and tormented.  You should remember to value yourself.  You should remember to push aside other people and their drama, even the drama that they think they are hiding from you because you always get told what you never want to know.  When people wonder why you are silent, it is because you know so much about them that you're actually doing them all a favour.  If only people knew that you were protecting them.

Yeah, I bleed just like everyone
But I feed off a different one
I'm built all of broken bone
I am nothing to no one
Will your ghost stay here in the dark?
So close, while I fall apart
When you go, I will keep your heart
I am nothing to no one 
I am nothing, I am anothing
I am nothing to no one but you. . . 

I hope that you find places of solace that will heal you and take you away from situations that you didn't create.  Leave those ghosts behind in the dark.  There is no reason to stay there and wallow in things that you can't control and nor should you have to.  We lose sight of what is important in our own lives when we get dragged into situations that take up so much of our headspace and time, so much of our energy and love that we should be dedicating to ourselves.  This is especially the case when you don't have the right types of people in your life who offer you any solutions, but rather pile on and ply you with their problems.  Just because you're a troubleshooter rather than a troublemaker, it doesn't mean you should have to do it all the time aye?  Accept the gifts and talents that you have but remind those who choose to knock on your door that their behaviour will not go unnoticed.  They will no longer be allowed to make you feel like you are nothing to no one. . . 

Thursday, 12 October 2017

Fallin' . . . .

I keep on fallin' in and out of love with you. . . . 

Sometimes I love ya
Sometimes you make me blue
Sometimes I feel good
At times I feel used 
Lovin' you darlin' 
Makes me so confused

I've been forgetting the meaning of certain words lately.  Sometimes writing things down helps me to remember what I am starting to forgot.  This is one of those 'sometimes'.  They are rare, but yes they do happen.  The first that came to word was a simple four letter one.  If you're an avid reader of my blog, there are often blog posts about love, mostly because people around me are having trouble holding onto it or letting it go.  But no, 'love' is not the simple four letter one I have been experiencing.  The four letter word is not an obscene too, nor is it"fall" - the root word of the title of the song.  

The word is "care".  

There are two definitions for the noun:
1. the provision of what is necessary for the health, wealth, maintenance, and protection of someone or something.
2. serious attention or consideration applied to doing something correctly or to avoid damage or risk.
There is also two definitions for the words as a verb:
1. feel concern or interest, attach importance to something.
2. look after and provide the needs of.

I keep on fallin' 
In and out of love with you
I never loved someone
The way that I love you

The reason you keep fallin'?
You keep returning or re-entering the same habits that proved you are weak.  
When you fall, you don't care.
You don't care that someone or something has made it their priority to provide necessary provision necessary for your health, wealth, maintenance and protection.  What if by not making it a priority, it doesn't detracts you from your real intentions of not understanding is necessary.  Is this what they mean by the phrase  - the bare necessities?  We forget the simplicity of a decision because we keeping choosing the wrong option.  Why do we do this to ourselves?  Why do we do this to other people?


Oh, oh I never felt this way
How do you give me so much pleasure
And cause me so much pain
Just when I think
I've taken more than would a fool 
I start fallin' back in love with you 

The second definition of care as a noun:
2. serious attention or consideration applied to doing something correctly or to avoid damage or risk.
Why is that when people make decisions without feeling the need to avoid damage or risk that they rely on others to help pick up the pieces?  You might think to yourself, once you've Olivia Pope'd another situation that you did not create - how much longer is this going to go on?  Is this the life I signed up for?  Why should you be the only serious one who can things as they really are.  How many times do you have to keep being the voice of reason, when they have no understanding what it means to avoid damage or risk? Be careful of the distribution of your serious attention or consideration as an imbalance or discrepancy in ratio can precipitate damage or risk, rather than

I keep on fallin' 

In and out of love with you
I never loved someone
The way that I love you

There are also two definitions for "care" as a verb:
1. feel concern or interest, attach importance to something.
2. look after and provide the needs of.

When you feel concern or interest or attach importance to something, it comes from a place in your heart where you value that.  You attach concern to something when it deeply affects you on an emotional level, where you would cry if something bad happened, if something sad happened, take swift action when it was warranted when a friend is in danger or put in a compromising position, a vulnerable position that they didn't expect to be treated with less dignity.  You start to question whether these types of people understand what being concerned about someone is.  If I took photos of a friend in a compromising situation to show other friends - how does that honour my friendship with my original friend?  If you attach negative importance to something like that, the least you can do is admit that it was wrong and apologise to your friend.  That's what real friends do.  Seize every opportunity to tell people that you feel concern or interest for and in, that you do care, even when your actions have said otherwise.

I'm fallin' 
In and out of love with you
I never loved someone
The way that I love you

The seond
2. look after and provide the needs of.

I would like to think that the most important people in my life - know who the hell they are.
I love easily, I love hard and it is also means that I care easily, I care hard about people who I think are important to the world.  I have so many conversations with people who I see will go on to make really important contributions to others who need their gift and talent in their life.  I don't waste time being jealous about people who have gifts and talents that I haven't been blessed - I would much rather celebrate and cheer them on and promote their gifts and talents, so it can be multiplied.

At my work conference dinner last night, I had lots of people tell me that they really enjoyed my dancing because I was just free - and in the moment.  This is what you are meant to do, how you are meant to live life.  Even when you are surrounded by people, it's never about who you are dancing with, it's about why I dance - and even if my legs might give out from so much dancing, there will be times when I don't mind fallin'. . . 

Tuesday, 10 October 2017

Make it easy on me. . .

My heart will understand. . . 

Don't keep me dreaming 
If all hope is gone
If it's all over
Don't keep me hanging on

This song was released in my first year of high school.
I just loved the easy groove of the song and how much the groove masked the lyrical intent of the song.  I guess until you experience personally what the song is about, you could view the song for its musicality or for a situation that you may be going through.  The uptempo beat of the song contrasts with the emotional dilemma of the song - when you are in a relationship and can sense that things aren't as rosy or peachy as you thought, and you sense that things are not what they seem.

I can't stay
And dream my life away
In some kind of wonderland
Better to hurt me honestly 
Than make a fool of me
My heart will understand 

People may stay in relationships because they don't want to hurt other people's feelings or for other reasons that they can't control, because it's just too hard to remove yourself safely without unravelling completely - yourself included.  It can be hard to be honest in relationships because ego can get in the way, as pride may stop you from being completely vulnerable and laying yourself open to be hurt.  I'm not saying that relationships cause hurt, but they can, if things aren't on the table.  How do we know what should be on the table?  Why do we stay where our hearts don't belong and wish we were somewhere else?  We continue to play games in these contexts and waste time not being where we are destined to be.  Why do we torture ourselves like this?  You would only be worried about being made a fool of, if you were more concerned about how you are perceived by others, as opposed to being in a meaningful, reciprocal relationship that honours who you are as a woman.

Make it easy on me
Just walk away, set me free
Don't try to do it gently
Just to please me
Make it easy, easy on me


When Sybil sings about making things easy on her, it isn't actually going to be easy, because trying to do things gently - whatever needs to be said - will not be good news to receive anyway.  So how could it be easy on her?  How would he be able to make it easy for her to hear?  It is clear that there are no appropriate words that could be said, but rather, just walking away and setting her free is the only clear option.  Will it be as easy as ripping off a band aid?  The countless band aids you have placed on the situation in the hopes that the medicinal properties in the band aids would absorb itself into the wounds, have never really taken.  So what else can you do?


If it's the time to go
If it's the last goodbye
Never turn around
Don't want you to see me cry

Goodbyes are always hard and when you are not able to have closure, there will always be a gaping hole left in your heart.  A last goodbye is something that you can't return from.  You can revisit someone that you have said goodbye to, particularly when things are just not meant to be, you have sudden clarity that had been eluding you for so long and wish you had seen things in the harsh light of day much sooner.  But this is all part of the learning that you must undertake before you meet your undertaker.  Turning around and trying to catch one last glimpse will hinder you from where you need to be, what you need to be doing, and surrounded by people that have you best interests at heart. 

Don't make me stay 
And wish my time away
In some fool's paradise 
Don't give any hope to me
Spin any lines for me
Make the truth plain to me

There is nothing worse than being given false hope or someone leading you on.
You can never quite tell when things are real or not and you wonder why you haven't been able to see that until now.  Hindsight is like that.  For all the fool's paradise that you indulge yourself in, it doesn't compare to a wise man's agony.  The pain that you suffer is an indication that you are actually alive because you can feel the suffering of what you need to sacrifice, what you are denied and what can no longer be sustained.  Things of an ethereal nature rarely last with human touch so how can we expect to be around such things for so long?

Make it easy on me
Just walk away, set me free
Don't try to do it gently
Just to please me
Make it easy, easy on me

I hope that when someone lets you go, that you have the dignity to understand why this is happening and not try to rehash or regurgitate events of the past that serve no purpose in the present.  People will say things to hurt each other, to lash out, to inflict pain and suffering, because they want control over things that they cannot control.  You cannot control someone else's heart as much they would try to control yours.  When situations are much more complex than people realise, the best option is to walk away.  If nothing good can come from what cannot be changed, from what cannot be progressed that the only thing left to do is walk away.  Make it a mutual parting and if it was me, I would make it easy on you, as much as I would expect you to make it easy on me. . . 

Monday, 9 October 2017

Dancing with myself. . .

If I had a chance I'd ask the world to dance. . . 

When was the last time you went dancing with yourself?
I think society teaches us that we need to have a partner or have a significant person and if we don't - we're weird.  As someone who was formerly attached, I haven't felt the inclination to be connected with anyone in that way again - and it has been an enlightening realisation.  Don't get me wrong, I fully support friends and family who are happy in their relationships.  I just think it's fun to dance with yourself, rather than with a partner sometimes.  Especially when you need to release all that pent up nervous energy that can have you making poor decisions, when you're not feeling 100 percent.

On the floors of Tokyo 
A-down in London town's a go go 
A-with the record selection
And the mirror's reflection
I'm a-dancin' with myself

I can recall lots of times that I have danced with myself.
I can actually recall each time quite vividly.
There are too many people that are self conscious when it comes to dancing with themselves.  The thing about dancing with yourself is that it's about you and nobody else.  The moves are not calculated, they are free and can have no basis in anything other than you interpreting how you are feeling in that given moment.  If you haven't danced with yourself before - get some practise in.  There is something to be said about dancing with complete abandon. it's like it's IDGAF dancing is what it is - critics need not comment.  It's your feelings, your prerogative.  It's like watching Lorde dance during her performances - she just DGAF about who's watching. she's moving involuntarily, responding to the music that she has created.  Why shouldn't we respond to ourselves in this way?  
A-when there's noone else in sight
A-in crowded lonely night 
Well, I wait for so long for my love vibration
And I'm dancing with myself

There can be funny times when opportunities arise to dance with yourself.
You might see an opportunity but not seize it.  Instead you are seized by fear at having entertained the thought.  It can be scary doing things on your own, because you feel there is no safety net.  I think if you have experienced crowded lonely nights - those are good life lessons and should be what you use to help steer you in the right direction.  If a love vibration doesn't come through on an expected frequency, then it's safe to say that there is no love, nor vibration. 



Oh oh dancing with myself
Oh oh dancing with myself
Well there's nothing to lose
And there's nothing to prove well
Dancing a-with myself

If you can start living a life that means you no longer need to prove anything - that means you've finally arrived at a point where there is nobody left to impress, there are no further significant avenues to pursue in that direction, and you have come to a decision point that means you finally start dancing after all.  I think people just need to understand, you don't have to be a very good dancer, you just need to be honest and real with yourself, with your abilities - and accept yourself as a dancer - that you have as much right to dance as anyone else.  Don't give up your right to dance because you always have in the past. 

If I looked all over the world
And there's every type of girl
But your empty eyes seem to pass me by
And leave me dancin' with myself 

Even if you had all the variety in the world, all the girls to choose from, would you?
I don't know if I would feel inclined to choose out of every type of guy.  What is my motivation?
To be with someone for the same of being with someone?
There's nothing worse than looking into empty eyes.
Those vapid, vacant eyes that doesn't reveal anything worth exploring in a head that doesn't bother to do anything constructive with its time.  Maybe those empty eyes are a blessing in disguise - doing you a favour when it comes to refamiliarising yourself with your ability to dance. 

So let's sink another drink
It'll give me time to think
If I had the chance I'd ask the world to dance
And I'll be dancin' with myself

I hope that we don't overthink things. 
I'd rather spend time asking the world to dance as well.  And you wouldn't need to dance together either.  You could just all dance your own little dances and sink some drinks if you need to, have the time to think if you need to.  I think it's ok for everyone to be all in the one room, but just dance to the beat of their own drum.  I mean that's what I think about when I'm dancing with myself. . . 

Saturday, 7 October 2017

This town. . .

Everything comes back to you. . . 

Waking up to kiss you and nobody's there
The smell of your perfume still stuck in the air
It's hard
Yesterday I thought I saw your shadow running around
It's funny how things never change in this old town
So far from the stars

Are your eyes, ears and nose playing tricks on you?
Your senses are tied to your emotions so much so, that you don't notice how connected they are until something significant happens.  When people disappear from your life - it may be because of something you've done or life is meant to be that way.  Sometimes we are not who we are meant to be with and who knows what the reasons are for that.  You could spend countless hours trying to figure out why things have happened or not, why things were said or not - all of the should, could, wouldas in the world are endless.  So do we torture ourselves with those types of negative thoughts that make us think we haven't lived a life that has been worth living?  We're too hard on ourselves at the best of times.

And I want to tell you everything 
The words I never got to say the first time around
And I remember everything
From when we were children in this playground
Wish I was there with you now

You'll always have that someone who wants to tell you everything. 
It could be the smallest, minutest of details and in that moment you never really understand why he's in such a hurry to tell you everything, but you never know it's because things will change.  That you might not be together in that way you have always been, and never really realise until it's too late.  When people choose to hide things, and then tell you after the fact - I think I've improved in my reaction to such delayed news.  I don't think anything shocks me anymore.  I don't waste time trying to understand the machinations or games that people try to draw me into.  If I want to play a game, I do so for fun, not for some emotional Blade Runner adventure that makes you question if you are who you're meant to be.  Why people persist in constructing playgrounds that aren't real anymore is beyond me. 

If the whole world was watching I'd still dance with you
Drive highways and byways to be there with you
Over and over the only truth 
Everything comes back to you

I've been watching the ITV series Victoria about the life of the young Queen Victoria and was fascinated with her brother in law, Prince Ernest.  I know it's a dramatisation of what may or may not have happened in her life.  I was struck by Ernest's love for one of her ladies in waiting.  She was married to someone else, but they cross paths again at a ball organised by the Queen to encourage the upper class to purchase silk from a local supplier from which to make their garments for the ball.  They happen to have one dance together, and it is plainly obvious to everyone in the room that the attraction is sill there, the love is still there - but it must be concealed because nobody can be free to do as they please.  She is already married - and he is destined to marry another.  If the whole world was watching - who would you still dance with?


I saw that you moved on with someone new 
In the pub that we met he's got his arms around you
It's so hard
So hard

The world is such a small place.
It is only a matter of time when you run into someone again at a place where you would like to think was your own special place that nobody knew about - but then they go and take someone new there.  There are no more sacred spaces anymore, except for the ones that you keep locked away in your head.  Those are the only true spaces that are safe from the piercing eyes of the world who are ready to judge, criticise and have an unwarranted opinion on your actions.  What's so hard?  Letting go and moving on?  Or holding on and letting your integrity go? 

You still make me nervous when you walk in the room
The butterflies they come alive when I'm next to you
Over and over the only truth 
Everything comes back to you

Who knows when nerves ever really go away? 
When do butterflies stop coming alive in your stomach?
What other things happen to you physically when you see that person again?
A gasp, a sudden holding of your breath, a quick glance away to check that nobody else has caught the look of those nerves on your face?  As if those butterflies suddenly flew out of your stomach and landed on your head while you were trying to be as inconspicuous as possible. 

And I know it's wrong 
That I can't move on
But there's something about you

I hope that you can move on.
There's nothing worse than not being able to gain momentum and knowing where you stand.
What particular memories do you hold of a specific town?  You might be thinking about your first love and how things seemed so innocent back then, with reality having little do with your present.  What do we know is wrong these days?  A series of actions taken can either stem from carefully planned decisions or impulses on steroids that had no reality or common sense factored into them.  Do we take responsibility for what we do anymore? I don't know how life would've turned out if I life hadn't made the decisions for me in some regard.  I can keep pushing forward and working towards new goals, new directions that are yet to be understood, and the only thing you would know for certain and can always lay claim to, that it wouldn't matter what town I'm in, everything comes back to you. . .